On a lighter note than my previous blogg I accept Jen's Challenge.
Pet Peve.
I hate when I am working at my desk and the guys in the cubicles that surround me start eating. It doesnt matter what they eat, it is still in stero.
Corn nuts should be banned.
I also cant stand when some of the men I work with act like they dont know how to do something just so that I will do it for them, drives me bonkers.
Last of all, I cant stand when people whislte. Hate it. Unless somebody is an exceptional whislter and I find the tone of the whistle to be enjoyable.
Oh, and grown ups who cut in line.
Hello, No front cuts please!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
To cut or Not to Cut...
Growing up as a young girl in the late 80's early 90's the style all the pop sensations were wearing was short hair, with a perm if possible. Whitney Huston, Donna Summers, Queen Latifa, TLC and the list just goes on. all the super cool Chic's had short hair. Naturally I wanted to be cool like them....(I think about it now and how they were all black and I realize maybe the kid n play look wouldn't have worked out for me) anyhow, like them I too wanted the awesome short hair.
Now before I go any further I must explain how beautiful my hair was a a young girl. It was long below my rear end and so soft and healthy. Every night my mom would put a braid in it so that I didn't wake up with knots in it. My younger sister also had long hair. Long hair was our claim to fame, our pride and joy, everybody loved it.
then, almost like in a old western novel the wind began to blow a little too slowly one day. The town was quiet and everybody had the feeling of change on their minds. My mom had made the usual trip to the grocery store and noticed that the super cuts in the shopping plaza was having a $5 special on hair cuts. My mother, killing two birds with one stone decided it was best for me to go get my hair cut while she shopped to be more efficient. I was scared. I had never really done stuff like that on my own before. I went ahead and walked into the super cuts. The smell of perm solution and nail Polish remover filled the air. "I wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Huston was playing on the radio. I remember thinking I too wanted to dance with somebody, feel the heat with somebody but I was only a kid and had no idea what I was singing along too.
Anyhow, a lady wearing giant earrings came gliding across the floor. She was a heavy set gal but she had a cool shirt clip and short curly hair with a neon green headband and I knew I was in trouble.
"Hi sweetie, go ahead and grab a book and take a look at what kind of style you want and Kim will be with you soon." I look over at Kim and she looks promising. She was Asian and I know I was only like 9 but I am pretty sure I said to myself " oh cool shes Asian she knows how to cut hair"
So I look through this book. We all know of the books at hair salons right? all super lame hair styles that without massive amounts of gel, dye and wet concrete you could never repeat the style yourself? All the women looked so super awesome to me I couldn't decide who I wanted be.
Kim came over and put her hand on my shoulder and asked if I was ready. I told her yes even though deep inside I wanted to scream " don't touch my hair!
I sat in the chair while she wrapped the big black cape around my neck. the flattering black cape. I told her I couldn't decide on a cut but that I wanted a trim. My mom made it clear that I was only there to get a trim to the middle of my back. I made sure I said "trim" I figure hair cut Lady's know what that means.
Well, Kim didn't know what I meant by trim. I can only imagine that she saw the book I was reading and assumed I wanted short hair like the women in the pictures, because she started chopping hair off like crazy. I was just a kid and didn't know what to say or do so I just sat there watching her cut my hair. All my long hair.
Needless to say my mom did not pay for the "hair cut" and I was so devastated. I remember my brother telling me it wasn't so bad and that I kinda looked like the blond from Wilson Phillips.
this did make me feel better for the moment.
Traumatizing to say the least. This short hair cut set my life into a spiral of other bad haircuts and old ladies telling me how cute my hair was. Not mention I wore glasses too big for my head. Just a bad news bear all around.
I tell you all this because my beautiful long haired three year old has been asking me to get her cut like the Little girl from the Chronicles of Narnia. A short bob hair cut. Short, like to the ears short.
Now, I know its my job to help her find herself and all that but after much debate I finally pretended to call the "Barber shop" as Jaden called it, and pretended that the hair cut ladies only cut hair for girls at age four and up. Jaden seemed cool with this, her response was " oh, so when I am four like Joei I can go to the barber."
That was that. Does this make a bad parent? a Selfish parent? AM I living vicariously through her?
Probably. But of the things, moments, styles and boy troubles that I will see her through in her lifetime...she will never endure a bad haircut while in the midst of them. Not on my Watch.
PS- Thanks for the crummy haircut Kim!
Now before I go any further I must explain how beautiful my hair was a a young girl. It was long below my rear end and so soft and healthy. Every night my mom would put a braid in it so that I didn't wake up with knots in it. My younger sister also had long hair. Long hair was our claim to fame, our pride and joy, everybody loved it.
then, almost like in a old western novel the wind began to blow a little too slowly one day. The town was quiet and everybody had the feeling of change on their minds. My mom had made the usual trip to the grocery store and noticed that the super cuts in the shopping plaza was having a $5 special on hair cuts. My mother, killing two birds with one stone decided it was best for me to go get my hair cut while she shopped to be more efficient. I was scared. I had never really done stuff like that on my own before. I went ahead and walked into the super cuts. The smell of perm solution and nail Polish remover filled the air. "I wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Huston was playing on the radio. I remember thinking I too wanted to dance with somebody, feel the heat with somebody but I was only a kid and had no idea what I was singing along too.
Anyhow, a lady wearing giant earrings came gliding across the floor. She was a heavy set gal but she had a cool shirt clip and short curly hair with a neon green headband and I knew I was in trouble.
"Hi sweetie, go ahead and grab a book and take a look at what kind of style you want and Kim will be with you soon." I look over at Kim and she looks promising. She was Asian and I know I was only like 9 but I am pretty sure I said to myself " oh cool shes Asian she knows how to cut hair"
So I look through this book. We all know of the books at hair salons right? all super lame hair styles that without massive amounts of gel, dye and wet concrete you could never repeat the style yourself? All the women looked so super awesome to me I couldn't decide who I wanted be.
Kim came over and put her hand on my shoulder and asked if I was ready. I told her yes even though deep inside I wanted to scream " don't touch my hair!
I sat in the chair while she wrapped the big black cape around my neck. the flattering black cape. I told her I couldn't decide on a cut but that I wanted a trim. My mom made it clear that I was only there to get a trim to the middle of my back. I made sure I said "trim" I figure hair cut Lady's know what that means.
Well, Kim didn't know what I meant by trim. I can only imagine that she saw the book I was reading and assumed I wanted short hair like the women in the pictures, because she started chopping hair off like crazy. I was just a kid and didn't know what to say or do so I just sat there watching her cut my hair. All my long hair.
Needless to say my mom did not pay for the "hair cut" and I was so devastated. I remember my brother telling me it wasn't so bad and that I kinda looked like the blond from Wilson Phillips.
this did make me feel better for the moment.
Traumatizing to say the least. This short hair cut set my life into a spiral of other bad haircuts and old ladies telling me how cute my hair was. Not mention I wore glasses too big for my head. Just a bad news bear all around.
I tell you all this because my beautiful long haired three year old has been asking me to get her cut like the Little girl from the Chronicles of Narnia. A short bob hair cut. Short, like to the ears short.
Now, I know its my job to help her find herself and all that but after much debate I finally pretended to call the "Barber shop" as Jaden called it, and pretended that the hair cut ladies only cut hair for girls at age four and up. Jaden seemed cool with this, her response was " oh, so when I am four like Joei I can go to the barber."
That was that. Does this make a bad parent? a Selfish parent? AM I living vicariously through her?
Probably. But of the things, moments, styles and boy troubles that I will see her through in her lifetime...she will never endure a bad haircut while in the midst of them. Not on my Watch.
PS- Thanks for the crummy haircut Kim!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I can do it myself mom!
I know I have already expressed the growing up that Jaden is doing these days but I have something else to share...
Last night Jaden wanted a juice box before supper. Normally she gets the juice box from the fridge and will ask me to open it and stick the straw in the pouch. Well Last night I went to put the straw in and she said " I can do it myself mom! Let me do it!"
I watched as she opened the little plastic straw and fumbled around with it until punching it into the silver hole where the straw belongs. She then sat on the couch. crossed her legs and commenced to sipping her juice. I don't know why, but at this moment I was floored by her. My little chubby baby is now putting straws in her own juice boxes! She used to need me to do that. She used to follow me through the house holding the juice box up in the air saying " mom I want a juice box mom I want a juice Mom open my juice box!"I am starting to wonder why I miss that....
But now she doesn't need to do that anymore.
As I was strolling down memory lane to Jaden in her Pampers taking her first walk around our old apartment complex in her little pink Velcro sneakers and tiny pony tail on top of her head smiling shouting "momma momma!" the three year old Jaden interrupts me to say " so, lets talk about our day mom. How was yours?"
I start to tell her it was okay but I really missed her all day until she interrupted me and began talking all about Jack Duncan and how they played Spider man and shared their snack. She went on to tell me how at craft time they made big dinosaurs with sparkles on them and hers was red and Alexis's was purple. She told me all about the book of the week, The lost mitten. She recited some choice lines and described the tone of the book and how it made her so happy and smart.
She told me it was January and it was Wednesday. The talking went on until bath time when I started to read my magazine while she played and splashed.
Long story short, time goes by so fast. I miss my little chunky monkey baby who slobbered on me and only wanted to eat green beans and sweet potatoes. The baby who used to fall asleep in her highchair. I miss the mornings waking up to her little body climbing on me. I just miss her. In the same note I am so happy to know this three year old girl. This youngster that loves animals and painting and a boy named Jack Duncan (public enemy #1). This girl that talks about everything she knows and who just wants to know everything about everything. Who will she become? What is she going to do in the years to come? I know someday I will look back down memory lane to these times and miss them just as much.
Anyhow, that's it. My baby is not a baby anymore. Shes a Pre-schooler. Life is a fast ride so I hope we all take the time slow down and enjoy it when we can.
Last night Jaden wanted a juice box before supper. Normally she gets the juice box from the fridge and will ask me to open it and stick the straw in the pouch. Well Last night I went to put the straw in and she said " I can do it myself mom! Let me do it!"
I watched as she opened the little plastic straw and fumbled around with it until punching it into the silver hole where the straw belongs. She then sat on the couch. crossed her legs and commenced to sipping her juice. I don't know why, but at this moment I was floored by her. My little chubby baby is now putting straws in her own juice boxes! She used to need me to do that. She used to follow me through the house holding the juice box up in the air saying " mom I want a juice box mom I want a juice Mom open my juice box!"I am starting to wonder why I miss that....
But now she doesn't need to do that anymore.
As I was strolling down memory lane to Jaden in her Pampers taking her first walk around our old apartment complex in her little pink Velcro sneakers and tiny pony tail on top of her head smiling shouting "momma momma!" the three year old Jaden interrupts me to say " so, lets talk about our day mom. How was yours?"
I start to tell her it was okay but I really missed her all day until she interrupted me and began talking all about Jack Duncan and how they played Spider man and shared their snack. She went on to tell me how at craft time they made big dinosaurs with sparkles on them and hers was red and Alexis's was purple. She told me all about the book of the week, The lost mitten. She recited some choice lines and described the tone of the book and how it made her so happy and smart.
She told me it was January and it was Wednesday. The talking went on until bath time when I started to read my magazine while she played and splashed.
Long story short, time goes by so fast. I miss my little chunky monkey baby who slobbered on me and only wanted to eat green beans and sweet potatoes. The baby who used to fall asleep in her highchair. I miss the mornings waking up to her little body climbing on me. I just miss her. In the same note I am so happy to know this three year old girl. This youngster that loves animals and painting and a boy named Jack Duncan (public enemy #1). This girl that talks about everything she knows and who just wants to know everything about everything. Who will she become? What is she going to do in the years to come? I know someday I will look back down memory lane to these times and miss them just as much.
Anyhow, that's it. My baby is not a baby anymore. Shes a Pre-schooler. Life is a fast ride so I hope we all take the time slow down and enjoy it when we can.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Such a sweetie
Jaden is really growing up. She has not worn a pull up at bedtime for two weeks now! This was rough but it was her choice. Actually she demanded "dont make her wear pull ups anymore because they are for baby lil!" Baby Lil is the new addition the group of nieces I have and will most likely be called baby lil until she is old and grey.
Anyhow, Jaden really did not want to wear the pull ups any longer. She hasn't worn pull ups since around 2 and a half years old, just at night. About three weeks ago I started noticing that when I would check on her after she fell asleep, she would have no pants on....no pull up either. Now at first I thought this was just a weird Jaden thing, as she used to take off all her clothes and sneak into my bed and snuggle with her stuffed piggie. Jaden likes being naked. She like that moment just before tub time when she gets to be in "the buff" or in her words her "naked suit". She runs around and jumps on the couch, then jumps on the bed all the while laughing in her silly little laugh. She loves it. She shakes her chubby little butt and and has a blast. Now that I have totally embarrassed her and said too much, please allow me to continue...
So, I thought this whole not keeping her pants on was a weird Jaden thing. Until the third time in a row she did it I asked her "why?".
"Because I am not a baby Lil" as if Lilly was some kind of species that Jaden was not related to anymore. Like Lily is the theory of evolution and Jaden wants no part of it!
Then she quickly says " I just want to wear panties in bed like Joei" so that was it. She is a pantie wearer at bedtime now and thus ends the chapter of diapers, training pants and wipes. Its like the end of an era.
It is weird though, I miss the days of changing those tiny little diapers.
So in closing...Jaden loves being naked, doesn't sleep in pull ups, and does not want to be "a baby lil".
Anyhow, Jaden really did not want to wear the pull ups any longer. She hasn't worn pull ups since around 2 and a half years old, just at night. About three weeks ago I started noticing that when I would check on her after she fell asleep, she would have no pants on....no pull up either. Now at first I thought this was just a weird Jaden thing, as she used to take off all her clothes and sneak into my bed and snuggle with her stuffed piggie. Jaden likes being naked. She like that moment just before tub time when she gets to be in "the buff" or in her words her "naked suit". She runs around and jumps on the couch, then jumps on the bed all the while laughing in her silly little laugh. She loves it. She shakes her chubby little butt and and has a blast. Now that I have totally embarrassed her and said too much, please allow me to continue...
So, I thought this whole not keeping her pants on was a weird Jaden thing. Until the third time in a row she did it I asked her "why?".
"Because I am not a baby Lil" as if Lilly was some kind of species that Jaden was not related to anymore. Like Lily is the theory of evolution and Jaden wants no part of it!
Then she quickly says " I just want to wear panties in bed like Joei" so that was it. She is a pantie wearer at bedtime now and thus ends the chapter of diapers, training pants and wipes. Its like the end of an era.
It is weird though, I miss the days of changing those tiny little diapers.
So in closing...Jaden loves being naked, doesn't sleep in pull ups, and does not want to be "a baby lil".
Monday, January 19, 2009
Ramblings
Yesterday was super awesome church time! The focus was all about what we need to do to really serve God. Lots of good stuff to take away from the messages but the big ones that I took away was to seek Him first and having that childlike faith. Seeking God first is not as easy as it sounds and neither is really trusting Him. The walk on water trust.
Let me explain what it means to be devoted to something. To be be truly dedicated to a cause, a purpose in effort to better ones life...to better many peoples lives.
My daughter Jaden is a total sweetheart. She is also the slowest three year old on the face of the earth. Not slow in the "not so bright" sense but slow in that everything she does takes three times longer than anybody else. I am not exaggerating. Every morning, just getting out of the house takes longer than my whole morning process. I can get dressed, do my hair, have my coffee and coat ready with keys in hand and Jaden will still be putting her right foot through her pant leg.
Jaden does not multi task. I think multi tasking is something we force on ourselves in adulthood because we are not born with the ability to focus hard on two things at once, living in our go go go world we eventually evolve into multi tasker's. As a result of this multi tasking evolution we end up multi tasking everything we do. Dishes while cleaning, Praise and worship while vacuuming, breakfast and driving you see where I am going with this.
Not Jaden though. She does one thing at a time giving each moment her utmost devotion. attention and diligence. At story time she reads books two or three times until she fully understands the whole story. At bedtime she has a certain posse of stuffed animals that must lay beside her and be tucked in with prayer requests, hugs and kisses. In the morning, when selecting the one stuffed animal she will be taking to school and sleeping with at nap time, she takes her time evaluating the snuggle factor and who she has already taken to school giving each toy equal love and attention.
Yes it drives me up the wall. Yes I nag her more than I wait patiently on her. Yes I wish I had her devotion.
No matter how early I set my alarm clock, no matter how long I read the word I am not as devoted as Jaden. I am not as trusting either.
Jaden, like all children are living for the moment because they trust that the next moment will come all on its own. When they say their prayers they trust that God hears every word the first time they pray.
Last night I asked Jaden if she had any prayer requests and she said "nope". I said " how about we ask God to bless our family and keep everybody safe?" to which Jaden replied " mom we already did." And she was right, we already did. God already heard that request. Jaden trusted that all it took was the one time and we didn't need bug him with the repeat prayers. Then she said" since we don't have new prayer requests can we sing an extra song?"
So here she is, trusting the Lord that anything we ask in his name is given to us according to his will. Now she wants to sing extra songs to Him. ( we have only been singing worship songs at bedtime to help her not have bad dreams). Technically Jaden was asking me if she could worship a little longer. ahhhhh.
Now to her she probably just wanted to stay up a little later. But to me it was more than that.
Now again, I may be like five steps behind everybody else and this is old news. But if its not then I urge every person that reads this to just worship God a little longer instead of reciting the same needs and wants to God. God already knows our hearts and he already knows our needs so lets appreciate him a little longer. Lets not worry about time and deadlines if we can help it. Lets do one thing at a time and trust that each moment and day will come when its supposed to according to Gods will. And if anybody is like me and just wants to know what God's calling is then stay in the word and stay at his feet until we find out what it is.
Let's try to be alittle more like the children of God he has already called us to be.
Let me explain what it means to be devoted to something. To be be truly dedicated to a cause, a purpose in effort to better ones life...to better many peoples lives.
My daughter Jaden is a total sweetheart. She is also the slowest three year old on the face of the earth. Not slow in the "not so bright" sense but slow in that everything she does takes three times longer than anybody else. I am not exaggerating. Every morning, just getting out of the house takes longer than my whole morning process. I can get dressed, do my hair, have my coffee and coat ready with keys in hand and Jaden will still be putting her right foot through her pant leg.
Jaden does not multi task. I think multi tasking is something we force on ourselves in adulthood because we are not born with the ability to focus hard on two things at once, living in our go go go world we eventually evolve into multi tasker's. As a result of this multi tasking evolution we end up multi tasking everything we do. Dishes while cleaning, Praise and worship while vacuuming, breakfast and driving you see where I am going with this.
Not Jaden though. She does one thing at a time giving each moment her utmost devotion. attention and diligence. At story time she reads books two or three times until she fully understands the whole story. At bedtime she has a certain posse of stuffed animals that must lay beside her and be tucked in with prayer requests, hugs and kisses. In the morning, when selecting the one stuffed animal she will be taking to school and sleeping with at nap time, she takes her time evaluating the snuggle factor and who she has already taken to school giving each toy equal love and attention.
Yes it drives me up the wall. Yes I nag her more than I wait patiently on her. Yes I wish I had her devotion.
No matter how early I set my alarm clock, no matter how long I read the word I am not as devoted as Jaden. I am not as trusting either.
Jaden, like all children are living for the moment because they trust that the next moment will come all on its own. When they say their prayers they trust that God hears every word the first time they pray.
Last night I asked Jaden if she had any prayer requests and she said "nope". I said " how about we ask God to bless our family and keep everybody safe?" to which Jaden replied " mom we already did." And she was right, we already did. God already heard that request. Jaden trusted that all it took was the one time and we didn't need bug him with the repeat prayers. Then she said" since we don't have new prayer requests can we sing an extra song?"
So here she is, trusting the Lord that anything we ask in his name is given to us according to his will. Now she wants to sing extra songs to Him. ( we have only been singing worship songs at bedtime to help her not have bad dreams). Technically Jaden was asking me if she could worship a little longer. ahhhhh.
Now to her she probably just wanted to stay up a little later. But to me it was more than that.
Now again, I may be like five steps behind everybody else and this is old news. But if its not then I urge every person that reads this to just worship God a little longer instead of reciting the same needs and wants to God. God already knows our hearts and he already knows our needs so lets appreciate him a little longer. Lets not worry about time and deadlines if we can help it. Lets do one thing at a time and trust that each moment and day will come when its supposed to according to Gods will. And if anybody is like me and just wants to know what God's calling is then stay in the word and stay at his feet until we find out what it is.
Let's try to be alittle more like the children of God he has already called us to be.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Our first fight...
I had to post this strictly for the memory factor.
Someday Jaden and Joei may or may not sneak out to a wild party or Hannah Montana concert and get caught by the Stockton pd then use their one phone call to call us for bail out money and I would like to remember how innocent our fights used to be....
This morning we had a fight. She yelled at me because I wouldn't wash her tights so she could wear them to school. She peed in her panties right as we were walking out the front door this morning…like I am going be an hour and a half late for work to wash her pee tights. (normally I don't let her ear tights to school but she had insisted with her foot firmly stomped on the ground several times)Right.
So she light blew a gasket and yelled how “she does not like me anymore and I am not her friend!” Then of course there are no other clean tights so she had to wear pants with the dress. This was not okay with her either. (more of the previously mentioned foot stomping occurred)
When it was all said and done we are in the car driving and we were not speaking to each other, she says” mom I love you.” And of course I am all gushy and say “ I love you two bug. I am sorry we had a fight.” And then she says “oh its okay I forgive you.” Totally implying that I was the cause for the fight. Like its my fault for not stopping the world and washing her tights! So I say “ do you have something to say to me?” and she says “ Yes, I need a lot more tights for if this happens again I will have a spare pair.”
So in conclusion I somehow lost the fight and shouldered the blame as well. I know Jaden and I will forever see eye to eye on everything and we will never ever fight again....(sarcasm) So I just wanted it down in black and white.
Someday Jaden and Joei may or may not sneak out to a wild party or Hannah Montana concert and get caught by the Stockton pd then use their one phone call to call us for bail out money and I would like to remember how innocent our fights used to be....
This morning we had a fight. She yelled at me because I wouldn't wash her tights so she could wear them to school. She peed in her panties right as we were walking out the front door this morning…like I am going be an hour and a half late for work to wash her pee tights. (normally I don't let her ear tights to school but she had insisted with her foot firmly stomped on the ground several times)Right.
So she light blew a gasket and yelled how “she does not like me anymore and I am not her friend!” Then of course there are no other clean tights so she had to wear pants with the dress. This was not okay with her either. (more of the previously mentioned foot stomping occurred)
When it was all said and done we are in the car driving and we were not speaking to each other, she says” mom I love you.” And of course I am all gushy and say “ I love you two bug. I am sorry we had a fight.” And then she says “oh its okay I forgive you.” Totally implying that I was the cause for the fight. Like its my fault for not stopping the world and washing her tights! So I say “ do you have something to say to me?” and she says “ Yes, I need a lot more tights for if this happens again I will have a spare pair.”
So in conclusion I somehow lost the fight and shouldered the blame as well. I know Jaden and I will forever see eye to eye on everything and we will never ever fight again....(sarcasm) So I just wanted it down in black and white.
I get it now.
Hello all two of you who actually read my blog. It has been a while since my last post and I figure I owe it to my fans to update it!
Gosh so much has happened since then. This may be long post...
My whole life I have known God. He didn't always know me but I always knew him. I knew that in order to be truly saved I had to pick up my cross and follow him. I had to die to myself and this world if I truly wanted to live for him. In short I knew I had to be separate from this world.
Knowing and doing are two different things though. I get that now.
On Sunday I had the chance to listen to two very great Sermons. The first by "Pastor Joey Steelman" and the second by "Pastor Bill". Both spoke directly to my heart. Directly.
Joey spoke about being separate from this world and living in God's will. When anybody speaks about Gods will I get so frustrated and upset. It all seems so simple...do Gods will and all Will fall into place. Well what do you do when you don't know his will? I know he wills us to live in him and be separate and to be salt and light and the basics but what if you don't know his specific major will for your life? Well this is what I ask myself every time I hear somebody say "gods
will". People have told me that I just need to listen to Gods voice and then I will know. "What does his voice sound like?" I ask myself. I always expect it to be a crazy loud thunder clap or a still small voice...Someday I will find out. "But what about right now?"
Anyhow I went home very flustered at God and so tired of hearing about "gods will". By the time I reached my seat on Sunday Morning I had convinced myself that maybe God didn't have s specific will for me and that's why I cant hear him tell me what it is. Maybe his will is that I just live and be a good mom and volunteer and then die. "If that was the case then please God get me out of this stupid world so I can be with you!" I would say. Then I would think about bug and how she needs her mom and I would feel bad for saying that.
Then I went to church on Sunday night. Bill spoke about the thoughts I was having in the paragraph above and about some of the same stuff Joey did. Very good. He spoke about how sometimes people who are saved and believe in the Lord can still carry hurt and get angry. How even though we are saved and come to church we aren't really where God wants us to be. As I sat there listening I kept telling myself the same thing I was telling myself in the morning service" this doesn't apply to me. I don't have a major will for my life and I am already saved so don't cry and don't make another commitment to God. I'm not a major part of the body of Christ. don't feel anything Jess." I hate to cry. It makes me feel so embarrassed and weak. My whole life I have hated it. I am tougher than that.
Then in the last five minutes of Bill's sermon everything that was coming out of his mouth was in response to every thought I was having in that moment. It was weird. Then I thought back on what Joey said earlier that day about how we add so many chapters to our lives by not surrendering to the will of God.
I was sick of all the chapters I had added. I started to think about who I could be by now if I had only listened the first time. I could have been the missionary I wanted to be when I was twelve. I could have been a threat to the devil. I could have shared the gospel. I could love myself enough to try harder and do better. I could not hurt anymore. I could not push my anger down in the pit of my stomach and pretend to be happy anymore. I could stop being fake and putting on a fake smile when really all I want is hug or somebody to listen.
the next thing I knew I was running to the alter. I fell on knees and began to do the thing I hate so much. I cried. Not cried and sobbed with tears...I bawled. I had noises coming out of me that I couldn't control. I had never allowed myself to cry like that. I couldn't stop. I tired to stop but I couldn't stop. I had a steady stream of tears falling on my cheeks, not drops here and there but a steady flow of warm tears. I just let it all out. Then I heard Gods voice.
all this time I was waiting for an actual voice. TO me it was more like the need to do something though. Like an assurance. Like something I cant put into words very well.
When the crying finally subsided I began to speak to god in tongues. I completely let go and didn't try to explain things to God in my way I just let my guard down the Holy spirit began to speak. What an amazing thing the Holy Spirit is.
Finally, it was time for me to get up. I had been on the ground crying and grieving and getting it all out (in front of total strangers) and I just been split wide open in front of God. I was weak and vulnerable to him (willingly) for the first time in my life. Now it was time for me to stand up. Time to wipe my face clean and go home. I didn't want to leave right then, I could have stayed at that alter all night in God's presence.
As I tried to get up I realized both my legs had fallen terribly asleep. So I took my time. But in taking my time it turned out to be a good thing that my legs had fallen asleep. The Lord was lifting me up off the ground and I was coming off the floor a new creature. A totally new person. As I was getting ready to stand something inside me kept saying that it was time to live apart from the world. I realized that in that moment there I was completely separate from the world. I would be turning around and walking away from the alter and walking in to the world and this time I was separated form it. I knew that there were some people in my life that I had be separate from. Some scars I had to accept. Some adversity I had could only overcome in God's strength and power. I knew that I couldn't talk with certain people and that I couldn't be tolerant of certain things. I knew that I had to remain separate. For you guys maybe this seems like common Christian sense but to me it was the first time I realized that in order to be separate you have to sacrifice yourself. Really sacrifice your flesh. To actually be separate from the things of this world. that is the only way to truly live for God.
So, I walked away from the alter a Christian. A believer that had been separated from this world. I still am. Every other minute I am praying to God thanking him for his grace and mercy. Every minute I keep asking him for guidance. I keep telling him I want the path he prepared for me. I do this every other minute until I just walk the path he prepared and until I just am separate because I want to be separated from the world and not from God. I am reading the bible and praying in so much more. I realize that its not easy to be separate from the world. That it is a challenge each day. I have to pick up my cross each day.
All this time and I finally got it now. Let this be the first and final chapter of my life.
I still don't know the major will of God for my life but I know that if I draw close to him then he will draw close to me. I just need to seek him first and do the what I know is right and live my life according to the word. His Mercies are new every morning.
Gosh so much has happened since then. This may be long post...
My whole life I have known God. He didn't always know me but I always knew him. I knew that in order to be truly saved I had to pick up my cross and follow him. I had to die to myself and this world if I truly wanted to live for him. In short I knew I had to be separate from this world.
Knowing and doing are two different things though. I get that now.
On Sunday I had the chance to listen to two very great Sermons. The first by "Pastor Joey Steelman" and the second by "Pastor Bill". Both spoke directly to my heart. Directly.
Joey spoke about being separate from this world and living in God's will. When anybody speaks about Gods will I get so frustrated and upset. It all seems so simple...do Gods will and all Will fall into place. Well what do you do when you don't know his will? I know he wills us to live in him and be separate and to be salt and light and the basics but what if you don't know his specific major will for your life? Well this is what I ask myself every time I hear somebody say "gods
will". People have told me that I just need to listen to Gods voice and then I will know. "What does his voice sound like?" I ask myself. I always expect it to be a crazy loud thunder clap or a still small voice...Someday I will find out. "But what about right now?"
Anyhow I went home very flustered at God and so tired of hearing about "gods will". By the time I reached my seat on Sunday Morning I had convinced myself that maybe God didn't have s specific will for me and that's why I cant hear him tell me what it is. Maybe his will is that I just live and be a good mom and volunteer and then die. "If that was the case then please God get me out of this stupid world so I can be with you!" I would say. Then I would think about bug and how she needs her mom and I would feel bad for saying that.
Then I went to church on Sunday night. Bill spoke about the thoughts I was having in the paragraph above and about some of the same stuff Joey did. Very good. He spoke about how sometimes people who are saved and believe in the Lord can still carry hurt and get angry. How even though we are saved and come to church we aren't really where God wants us to be. As I sat there listening I kept telling myself the same thing I was telling myself in the morning service" this doesn't apply to me. I don't have a major will for my life and I am already saved so don't cry and don't make another commitment to God. I'm not a major part of the body of Christ. don't feel anything Jess." I hate to cry. It makes me feel so embarrassed and weak. My whole life I have hated it. I am tougher than that.
Then in the last five minutes of Bill's sermon everything that was coming out of his mouth was in response to every thought I was having in that moment. It was weird. Then I thought back on what Joey said earlier that day about how we add so many chapters to our lives by not surrendering to the will of God.
I was sick of all the chapters I had added. I started to think about who I could be by now if I had only listened the first time. I could have been the missionary I wanted to be when I was twelve. I could have been a threat to the devil. I could have shared the gospel. I could love myself enough to try harder and do better. I could not hurt anymore. I could not push my anger down in the pit of my stomach and pretend to be happy anymore. I could stop being fake and putting on a fake smile when really all I want is hug or somebody to listen.
the next thing I knew I was running to the alter. I fell on knees and began to do the thing I hate so much. I cried. Not cried and sobbed with tears...I bawled. I had noises coming out of me that I couldn't control. I had never allowed myself to cry like that. I couldn't stop. I tired to stop but I couldn't stop. I had a steady stream of tears falling on my cheeks, not drops here and there but a steady flow of warm tears. I just let it all out. Then I heard Gods voice.
all this time I was waiting for an actual voice. TO me it was more like the need to do something though. Like an assurance. Like something I cant put into words very well.
When the crying finally subsided I began to speak to god in tongues. I completely let go and didn't try to explain things to God in my way I just let my guard down the Holy spirit began to speak. What an amazing thing the Holy Spirit is.
Finally, it was time for me to get up. I had been on the ground crying and grieving and getting it all out (in front of total strangers) and I just been split wide open in front of God. I was weak and vulnerable to him (willingly) for the first time in my life. Now it was time for me to stand up. Time to wipe my face clean and go home. I didn't want to leave right then, I could have stayed at that alter all night in God's presence.
As I tried to get up I realized both my legs had fallen terribly asleep. So I took my time. But in taking my time it turned out to be a good thing that my legs had fallen asleep. The Lord was lifting me up off the ground and I was coming off the floor a new creature. A totally new person. As I was getting ready to stand something inside me kept saying that it was time to live apart from the world. I realized that in that moment there I was completely separate from the world. I would be turning around and walking away from the alter and walking in to the world and this time I was separated form it. I knew that there were some people in my life that I had be separate from. Some scars I had to accept. Some adversity I had could only overcome in God's strength and power. I knew that I couldn't talk with certain people and that I couldn't be tolerant of certain things. I knew that I had to remain separate. For you guys maybe this seems like common Christian sense but to me it was the first time I realized that in order to be separate you have to sacrifice yourself. Really sacrifice your flesh. To actually be separate from the things of this world. that is the only way to truly live for God.
So, I walked away from the alter a Christian. A believer that had been separated from this world. I still am. Every other minute I am praying to God thanking him for his grace and mercy. Every minute I keep asking him for guidance. I keep telling him I want the path he prepared for me. I do this every other minute until I just walk the path he prepared and until I just am separate because I want to be separated from the world and not from God. I am reading the bible and praying in so much more. I realize that its not easy to be separate from the world. That it is a challenge each day. I have to pick up my cross each day.
All this time and I finally got it now. Let this be the first and final chapter of my life.
I still don't know the major will of God for my life but I know that if I draw close to him then he will draw close to me. I just need to seek him first and do the what I know is right and live my life according to the word. His Mercies are new every morning.
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