Dig This

Something has to be Said...

2009-10-30T08:56:00.000-07:00

I love the "Holidays".
Especially now that I have a daughter of my own to share all the fun traditions and festivities with on the Holidays, it sure makes them more exciting.
For instance, The Halloween costume this year will be a Bunny Rabbit. All picked out by Bug and complete with carrot. She is super stoked that tomorrow we will paint her little face, slap on some big ears and a tiny tail and hit the Festival at church! Its all she talked about this morning on the way to school.
While Jaden's drive to school was spent talking of spooky costumes and all things Halloween my drive to work was a little different.

First I must state my firm stance on Halloween costumes:
1. Costumes are for children.
2. Slutty costumes are for teens that want to aggravate their parents.
3. Costume parties are for people that belong to exclusive clubs like in that one weird Tom cruise movie before he got super lame after Days of Thunder.
4. Office Halloween parties are always lame and only an excuse for office employees to eat pot luck and slack off while in costume.

Now, my opinions may seem harsh, but I never force them other people...I simply laugh hysterically while I pass other motorists in costume. This morning on my way to work I saw a Evil Witch driving a teal sedan. I saw a strange fairy hauling a mini van complete with ear piece because even 45 year old fairies need to talk on the phone and drive at the same time. I saw a grown man, a grown up man wearing a tin foil hat thing and weird green make up.
People of Stockton I implore you...Stop the madness! Stop the embarrassment! Nobody Really thinks your costumes are awesome! We are all just secretly laughing at you as we sit around the dinner table this evening. Unless you openly laugh and mock as I do.

Again, it is not my wish to force my opinions and anti-costume view on anybody. I just needed to get it off my chest.
Now that it is out there in universe, I can relax and enjoy the beginning of "The Holidays".

(Discalimer: if you are attending an office Halloween party today and are in full costume, and you win a prize for said costume then I want to be the first to congratulate you in your accomplishmebnt today.)

Ode to Mothering.

2009-10-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

A Few Sure Fire signs that you need to clear your head…

1. You woke up snuggling the trash bag you were using to clean your filthy house the night before…

2. While in the shower you put face wash in your hair instead of shampoo and wonder why this crappy shampoo has lost its lather only to realize….your an idiot and that’s not shampoo its face cream.

3. You buckle your child into her car seat only to look down and realize you are wearing a brown flat and a flip flop…AND you ask yourself “ will anybody really notice?”

4. The coffee cup you grabbed off the counter was indeed coffee….from a few days ago.

5. You get to work and do the usual…get the access badge pinned on, attach the walkie talkie to your belt loop and put your cell phone in your pocket and you hit the floor running. There’s an issue, you need to reach for your cell phone…..you pull out a purple and blue Disney princess Ariel toy phone, flip it open and THEN realize your call cannot be completed as dialed.

6. And once again, the coffee your co-worker made was indeed tasty….yesterday when it was warm.

This is a true story. No names have been changed to protect the idiot, no dramatizations here….this is a tiny window into the life a real live single mother.

So to all the other hard working single gals raising children with miss- matching pigtails I say ….Bravo. Bravo. I commend you for not wearing sweatpants as part of your “casual” wardrobe. For always checking the review before applying the lipstick while driving and blindly searching the floor of the back seat for a stuffed pig.. For every time you quickly end a conversation with a stay at home mom in the hall way of your daughter’s school by laughing with a smile and walking away so as to not grab the other mother by her shoulders and scream…”Shut up! Don’t you realize there is a world of traffic and office politics that I have to get to! I have meetings I have to pretend to enjoy, people I have to fake smile at and sexist jokes I have to brush off! Outa my way!”
Bravo indeed.

And here is the “stay at home mom” disclaimer:
You are a valuable asset to your family. Those kids are benefitting from your being there. You house is no doubt clean, food is well prepared and laundry is clean. Enjoy the errands you run in the middle of the day. Make time for yourself to relax and don’t dare feel guilty about it! Enjoy every second of it sisters….because it’s a cold cold cruel world out here and I would trade any one of ya in a quick second! Keep on keeping on. When you feel like you can’t take another episode of Wow Wow Wubbzy, think about the others….the others who are at work. Think of us sisters and press forward…Press on and ignore your child when they make annoying faces at you behind your back! You’re a stay at a home mom. You drink coffee whenever you please, you eat lunch no matter the time and you take as long as you need. You fix vacuum cleaners and keep up to date on current events both Noggin and World related. You are mom. Stay at home mom. Hear you roar.

Give a Hoot.....dont pollute.

2009-10-05T12:18:00.001-07:00

Ah the environment. Mother Natures gift to us all. All she asks is that we take good care of the ozone layer, keep the oceans clean and protect our national forests.
My understanding of Earth and "being green" basically consisted of two policies up until now:

1. Give a hoot and don't pollute.

2. Recycle, reduce and reuse.

My daughter however is probably sorting through the recyclables in the kitchen at her pre-school right now; if she hasn't already chained her tiny self to an old oak tree that the city wants to cut down in efforts to expand the suburbs.

It is true that each of us all have own hearts desires, our own visions and personality traits. All I have to do is look at my daughter to realize this. She has been coming into her own lately and I have had to step back a few steps to give her room to grow.
I want to document this strictly for her benefit. Someday she will come to me wanting advice about my grand kids and I would like to refer to her this post.

Jaden has in intense love of nature. Animals. the life cycle of it all. She understand that the Lion has to eat the antelope, the frogs must eat the bugs and the sun must shine and the rain must come. She is very passionate about animals and the earth and none of it comes by influence from me. We don't recycles we don't reuse and I am not concerned with reducing my carbon footprint.
Yet she is.
The other day I picked Jaden up from school and her teacher let me know she had a great day with the exception of one meltdown. The following is an exact repeat of the conversation between Mrs. Tammy and I .

Mrs Tammy " ummm so today Jaden had to go and have a seat at the table when all the kids came in from recess."
Me" oh really?"
Mrs. Tammy " Yes. There was a wasp outside on the playgrounds earlier and she and some other kids were gathered around it looking at it."
Me " That sounds like Jaden, she loves bugs"
Mrs Tammy" yes I know now. I stepped on the wasp because I didn't want anybody to get stung by the wasp. Jaden screamed at me and went running into the class room crying and yelling so I and to have her sit at the table until she could calm down so that I could talk to her."
Me " Oh my, why was she screaming I wonder? What was she yelling?"
Mrs. Tammy " She said "You just killed one of God's creatures!" and then ran into the class room."
Me " Well Mrs Tammy....you did kill one of God's creatures. Jaden loves bugs and she does believe they are all God's creatures and I can see why she would be upset. It doesn't make it okay though and I will talk with her about it."
Mrs Tammy" I am so sorry, I tired to explain to her how sometimes we have to protect ourselves..."

This went on and on as this is probably the first time a child has been distraught over the death of a wasp.

Its not just the wasp though....

the beta fish, the lady bug from July, the bumble bee from aunties patio back in early September, the moth that got into our bathroom last week to the stray cats that Jaden has named. Jaden has love for them all as God's creatures. She sees people pollute and it's curtains for them.
" Dont be a litter bug you mean person!" is what you will hear if you ever throw something on the ground. Complete strangers, it doesn't matter who you are. Then as the litter bug walks away you can hear Jaden say " If one person litterbugs then all the earth will be covered in trash and the earth is our animals habitats huh mom?" Then I have to play the role of concerned environmentalist. " yes Jaden your right."

See, she knows all about habitats and weather patterns....its crazy! She knows that mommy throws her empty bottle of water into the trash can outside, that bottle will end up stuck in a sea turtles stomach somewhere in China! This is what she told me this morning as I tossed the water bottle into the trash.

Shes a sweetheart. She loves our planet. She likes to wear dresses every day of the week and she thinks that being a "Singing, ballerina fireman" is an actual profession.

mmm Change

2009-10-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

Change. Life would be the same without it.
Me, I have a love hate relationship with change. I love the idea of something new and different, uncharted territory. Yet, I hate the process that takes place before the result of change comes into view.
the process of letting go of the old and reaching for the new is necessary for change to ocour though. As 2009 begins to come to its close I am getting a head start on my annual life reflection...what have I learned this year?
the Lord has taught me about the importance of necessity.How this are necessary and how we need certain things in order to attain other things. Let me explain:
I need to have faith if I want a dream to believe in. I need to learn how to love myself before I can really love somebody else. I need to let go of hurts and pains of the past if I want to walk in fullness of joy and receive healing. I need to be separate from this world if I want to truly live for God.
As I have learned these lessons this year the one word, the catch phrase, the banner of this year for me would be "Necessary".
I moved to Stockton,CA in August of 2006 with no promises of a better life, not assurance that things would be okay, no real plans. Just me and my tiny bug Jaden. The first lesson I learned upon my arrival was how to step out in faith. I learned how fear is all part of the process of letting go of the natural world and reaching out for the supernatural. I learned that as soon as you grasp faith, fear immediately leaves. The act or reaching is necessary though, the stepping out into unknown.
I also learned how to be a true cheerful giver. As a single mom who started out on welfare and WIC this was hard to learn. I would give reluctantly. I learned that if you give reluctantly then you might as well not give at all because in your heart you are still robbing God. Its not the money He is after, its the condition of you heart towards him that he desires to see completely trusting in Him alone. I used to wish I had money to buy things and have what otter people have, I am being honest. Today I wish I had money to pay for the Lords Gym employees in full, to get teenagers on missions trips or to pay for their camp scholarships. As a single mom who no longer requires assistance from Welfare and WIC, I understand now that the Kingdom of God doesn't advance on things of this earth but on the hearts that are moved while on earth. The years of paycheck to paycheck are necessary, the going without, its all necessary for me. it has taught me how to be a good Stewart in my finances and how to really appreciate the life I have instead of wanting somebody else's life. And my cupboards are always full.
Later on in 2007 I learned how to heal. I learned how bad wounds can hurt before they heal over and become a scar. its not an overnight process, its a long drawn out and agonizing thing for some. but the peace of God and rest in Him is where we can renew our strength through the pain of healing. Healing is tuff though,especially if we fight it. I fought emotional healing for years, it was like trying to run a mile with a broken leg. The pain and rest in the Lord however was so necessary for the healing.
In 2008 I began to learn how amazing God is and how absolutely nothing is impossible in God. How mountains will move out of your way when God's will is in play. I learned about physical healing and how miracles are not just stories in the Old Testament. Just as our faith is active so is the Living word of God and its there for us each day to call on, to hold God to in our scary times when we don't understand things.
I learned how Jaden and I being "on our own" didn't mean that were "alone" it meant that we were simply in waiting for the perfect man for our lives. Something I have learned this year is how beauty lie in our relationship with God and not in our outside appearances. How, I am worth waiting on. I learned that being a mother means sacrifice, but how the sacrifice is really a blessing in disguise.
All in all God has changed my life in the most amazing way. I am so grateful to Him. I have salvation, freedom, peace, promises and a future. I look forward to 2010 because I know I will only continue to learn and grow. I am excited at what God has done in me and I cant wait for the next opportunity to move and be changed.

I Wonder....

2009-09-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

I am a 28 year old women. Single mom. I like to think I am intelligent. By the grace of God I have created a stable career for myself. I have an awesome sense of humor. I like to think I am a contributing member of society. But, sometimes I wonder.....

When I am at the grocery store and I see a lady wearing a hospital mask that covered her mouth I wonder; is she keeping it in or keeping it out?

When I am at the park and I see a grown human being pull out a tiny baggie and pick up dog poop I wonder; who is the real master in the relationship?

When I am driving and I see somebody pick their nose I wonder; why no tissue? and Where do they put it if they have no tissue? and...does their spouse know about their nose picking? and if so, does the spouse accept this as a character flaw? How does the spouse look at him and feel attraction? Do they wash their hands before supper?

When I am out and about town and see a couple that consist of one very strange person and one unpleasant person I wonder; Where am I missing the mark? what is it that I am not doing right? here these two unpleasantly strange folk have found love and yet I , who shower daily, who is awesome, am still single?

When I see a sign that reads "made fresh daily" I wonder; does this mean they make it fresh each day or they make it fresh during the day time? And, why not just be more specific. We are all on pins and needles wondering exactly how fresh this thing that is made daily is.

When I see somebody Park in a parking spot designated for persons that hold the "disabled" placard, yet said person gets out of the car and skips t their destination I wonder; what would their mother say? What would other disabled folk say? and...what would happen if I asked this person " excuses me, does being a big faker qualify you for the disabled placard?"

These are thoughts that pass through my mind. I have kept them bottles inside all theses years and I feel its time I just get honest. there it is people. I'm a weirdo.

Also, at my workplace we have an old security guard who constantly sleeps on the job. I find new ways to startle him awake each day...and then right as he wakes up I just walk past him normal as if I hadn't heard any loud noises or jolted his chair at all.

Some might say that its mean. I say its the little pleasures in life that keep each day interesting.

This has been a random post brought to you by me, Jess.

Honesty

2009-09-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest lessons in life that I have learned is absolute honesty.
I find it easy to be honest with other people, living the life I used to and then giving it all to Christ makes me want to be an open book. I want people to know all the details about me if it touches their heart or relates to their circumstances. As I grow and learn more of the Lord I realize that Honesty is so necessary.

Honesty before God. Honesty with ourselves. honesty.

Jaden has been learning about the values of honesty lately as well. this morning she was making up some off the wall lie about how a cookie grew legs, walked off of the kitchen counter and jumped into her mouth and how "she didn't even touch it". She was about midway through her lie when she stopped and put head down and said..."Okay I was lying mom. God knows and you know it huh?" She apologized for eating the cookie and went about her day.

with me, something I have learned recently is Honesty before God. Of course God knows all the ins and outs of a mans soul. Of course he knows every step before we even move.
Then why do so many Christians come into the presence of God and try to hide their struggles and resentments?

"don't look at me in that tone of voice" its true.

The Lord tells us in his word that before we come to him, if we harbor any resentment or conflict in our hearts towards another that we are to leave our offering at the alter and go to that person and be reconciled. After the reconciliation only, are we to come before our Lord with the sacrifice.
Now of course today we don't walk up to the alter carrying a lamb or goat but we do bring the sacrifice of praise and worship. We do whiteness, we are salt and light.

I can honestly say that I have been set free form something I like to call the " Adam and Eve Complex"...they hid in the garden as if God didn't know the scoop before hand. I had to tell the Lord that I was sorry for trying to hide my own selfish earthly desires from him. The great thing about this is that my God forgives and renews. After I gave it all up and was honest with myself and God,I noticed how truly free I was to worship Him and to praise without any thing hindering his amazing presence.

Honesty is necessary for healing, for progress, for reconciliation and for a good life basically. Honesty is really the best policy.

So, if this makes any kind of sense to anybody then I encourage you to get before the Lord and search your heart. Are you being honest with God today? Are you being honest with yourself?

Live unto the Lord

2009-09-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

You blink your eyes a few times and take in a deep breath. You are now in eternity. That first breath here was your last on earth. Your eyes are open here as soon as they close on earth. It happens that fast. Sweet relief for some. Absolute terror that never ends for others.

I think of my grandma Bonnie. She loved the Lord so much and never wavered in her Faith. I can only imagine the joy she experienced when she took that first breath in eternity. The first time she looked at the face of her Jesus. Man, can you imagine?

Then I think about my grandpa Larkin and how I know beyond all doubt that he is in Heaven cheering for us kids down here. I know because even though it was delayed, eventually through seeing the love walk of his oldest granddaughter, he saw the love of Christ and accepted Him.

What a peace for the Believer in Jesus. What a future and a hope we have. What a peace we can rest in when we lose those who we love and miss, knowing we will see them again someday.
I think about the Millions of people that do not even know the name of Jesus let alone of His saving grace. Where is their comfort when they lose a loved one? Where does the peace come from if any comes at all? What is their future and hope?

Today I learned that a very well respected co-worker has passed into eternity. He went to sleep and never woke up; here. As I talked about it with two of my co-workers who were extremely close to this man we went rounds and rounds about the caliber of this man. We spoke of how he made you feel like family whether you knew him a minute or lifetime. How he was a hard working man, a straight forward stand up kind of guy. He will be so dearly missed by so many.
I don’t know the condition of this man’s heart toward my Lord. I couldn’t tell you where his spirit spends eternity if you asked me. I wonder though.

I do know that the only way to Heaven is through the blood of Jesus and accepting the cross as our freedom. I know that we don’t enter the Kingdom of heaven for any other reason than receiving Christ in our hearts and serving him. It’s not by our good deeds, relationships or good intentions.

I do know that I want to devote the remainder of my life to telling as many people about eternity without a savior though. I don’t want to be so consumed in my own life anymore. I want to be consumed by the Will of God. I want to tell as many people that I can about the Lord and about how to truly reach heaven.

The reality is that we only live by the grace and mercy of god. Life is a fragile thing and it is only authorized by the Lord. Each second, each minute, each day an absolute blessing and gift. I want to make the most of this life. I imagine we all do.

Maybe this came to me simply because of circumstances, due to the loss of this one man. I think sometimes it is so easy to understand that when another believer passes through to heaven they wouldn’t come back for anything. But, perhaps my new perspective comes from questioning this man’s passing. Is he at peace with our Lord or does he beg for one last chance to go back and do it all again?
Whatever the reason, I am moved to be more than I am today. To reach more people. To live each moment of my life as a blessing unto the Lord. I don’t want to be a comfortable Christian any more. I don’t and I won’t let people pass by my life and not know that grace and mercy of the Father who loves and saves.
I encourage fellow believers to look around today at the ones we know that don’t know our Lord. Let’s pray for them, let’s reach them. And let’s give our best while we are here. Let’s truly live our lives as unto the Lord.

Fear of Commmmmmitement

2009-09-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

Me: Ummmm hi everyone…my name is Jessica.

Everyone: Hiiiiii Jessicaaaaaa

Me: ummm I guess I am here today because I have a problem….

Everyone: ahhhh its alright sis let it out

Me: Ummmm I am a Chronic drama queen and constant flip flopper. I have commitment issues.

Everyone: Its okay, we all have issues this is the safe zone.

Me: I guess it all started back in my childhood when everybody under the sun would buy me and my younger sister the exact same gifts; just in different colors. I never had a chance. I cannot make a decision on my own unless somebody else makes the same decision with me…just in a different color.

Group Leader: This is good, we are in step 2 we have passed the denial stage and are now “accepting” ourselves as we are. All part of the healing process.

Group: Yes (all said in an encouraging tone)

Me: I guess…I mean…..I know what I like to do. I know what I want to do. I have my own ideas… But unless somebody gets on the train with me I just can’t leave the station you know?

Group: nodding in agreement

Group Leader: Hmmmmm. I wonder if we can’t all give Jessica a big safe group hug for this amazing display of bravery.

Group: chairs are squeaking and people are hobbling over to group hug me. It smells like bologna sandwiches.

Me: Thanks everyone. I feel much better. I guess Making the decision to come here today was a step in the right direction huh?

Group Leader: Exactly. All part of the healing process.

Me: I am smart, funny, talented and dogonit people like me no matter what. I am capable of making decisions.

All Things super cool and Stylin

2009-04-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

So today is Picture Day. Why does it seem like it is always Picture Day?Oh gee umm, maybe because they are always taking pictures of my child and charging up the whazoo for them!!!
Seriously. Perhaps my next post I will dive into what a wazoo actually is and we can explore all the hazards and pitfalls of things being shoved up and flying out of said wazoo....but I digress.

Picture Day! A special time of year when little girls and boys dress in their finest and go off to school to have the illusion of perfection and cleanliness captured in film only to be followed by eight hours of snacks, lunch times, nap time, playground time so on and so forth.
You enter the main hall at school, girls in bows bigger than my hand, boys in slacks and button up shirts complete with sweater vest. Mother licking tissues and defenseless children crying out " Mommy that's gross stop!" as they have their cheeks wiped free of oatmeal and other breakfast foods.

Your child stops to say hello to a pal who is trying desperately to grab hold of her tights and pull them out of her tiny behind while waving one arm in the air and running at full speed toward your child....running child slips and falls, freakishly large bow falls to the side of the loosely put together pony tail and as the fallen child stands to her feet she delivers the super important message that could not wait until her tights were fixed thus causing her to run while picking her behind..." Jaden we both have sparkly shoes!".

Mothers are standing by ensuring that each bow, each calique, each snap on tie and sandal strap stays in place until the finale that is the Picture. Kids wrestling on the floor and pulling on eachothers clothes and asking" When can we go outside?" moms standing by and translating the "child speak" into "parent speak" and hear" Mom I want to destroy the $20.00 dress already! When can I go outside and thrash and trash the picture that will this years Easter card?"and they cringe on the inside.

I love it! I love it because I get a sick kind of joy in watching parents fuss over little things with their kids. I too used to be fusser. I learned my lessons and I have to say, life is a heck of alot easier when you are more worried about the big life choices instead of how the picture in her pre-school year turns out. Most the time I never buy the pictures, I will not be buying these ones either. Instead I will take Jaden somewhere to get a professional photo taken where I can stand by knowing that time and effort are being factored into this memorable photo and the price.

Jaden picked out her own outfit...blue baby doll tank top with pockets in front, black capri cut off leggings and sparkly slipper type shoes that no longer have sparkles on the toes from all the running around and hullabaloo. She loved it though. She stood in front of the mirror and said " Mom don't I look super styling? I look super cool huh?" then she answered herself with a " I am super cool and styling!" giving herself a big thumbs up in typical Fonzie fashion and grabbed her stuffed pony and was ready.

I don't care what she wears, mostly, as long as she feels good about herself and what she has on that fine with me. Go on Jaden, have an awesome picture day!

She will be in the class photo that they hand in the entrance way though and her smile was well practiced this morning...cant wait to see it.

Trust

2009-03-31T08:30:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I am on my lunch break walking around the building outside. This is what I do when I need to just get away from the job place for a bit to collect my thoughts and just be "Jess" for a bit. The weather has been so nice lately too it has made all the difference.
Anyhow, on my walk I cant help but take notice of the hundreds of butterflies flitting around me...at first I thought I was special and that it was some awesome sign from God or something. Seconds passed and I remembered that this is migration time for monarch butterflies.
Ahh, I saw a special on PBS all about it, they fly from way up North to a place in Mexico.Some people in Mexico believe that the Butterflies are their ancestors returning and they prepare big feasts and decorate their villages to Welcome them.
So I am walking around and loving all the little butterflies, I love butterflies. I remember being a little girl and having one land on my hand. It was pretty, blue and brown. It just sat on my right hand and relaxed a minute, and I always remember how cool I felt that the butterfly felt cozy enough to hang out on my hand.
So these butterflies are all around, I counted easily more than like 70, I am positive that I saw at least a couple hundred on my walk though., It was one of the most amazing things in Nature that I have seen a long time.
So, my thought was this....
These butterflies make this migration trip right after their wings dry after emerging from their cocoons. They have never traveled before, yet something inside of them propels them South. They follow the same path that millions of other butterflies have taken before them, only they don't know that. Their only goal is to fly South to Mexico.
This trips me out. I watched a special all about it and now I am seeing it in real life. It was neat. I thought of each butterfly and how much further they have to go, also how far they have already come. It really is mind boggling. They only stop to eat and find shelter from rain, other than that they fly.
After my super awesome thought I realized that God had put the instinct in them to go. Before they were "born" God had already placed in them a need to fly South, a need to migrate. Then I thought about the scripture in Matthew, I believe, where it speaks about how God provides for even the birds, of course he will provide for us.
It is true too. God created everything, I know he did. Its in the Bible and you cannot dispute it as far I am concerned.
God made every creature and instilled in them their own survival skills, migration patterns, and the contribution they make to the circle of life. God did the same for us, the human race. We have already had a desire for something greater, a need to go somewhere, do something, free will, survival skills and all sorts of intricate detail, specific to every individual on this planet. It really is mind blowing when you think about all God has done. Tiny insects traveling thousands of miles with instinct as their compass, how else could you explain that without God?

In the short version: I realize that God had already placed in me a will to do something, to be something, to go. I don't know where or what exactly yet but I know that I want to serve the Lord. I want to keep striving and climbing to the next level in my relationship with Him. I don't need to know where I am headed at this point because God already knows and He has already been there before me. the path has been prepared, all I have to do now is follow instinct and go. To use my spiritual instincts as my compass so to speak.
I will know where I am going as soon as I arrive.

This has been another super awesome deep though brought to you by Jess. My wings aren't quite dry and I am learning patience...I am dying to fly though!

A Day in the Life

2009-02-27T14:27:00.000-08:00

Dude.

I often say that I am the friend people love to have because things always things always happen to me that you can laugh at...but you wouldn't want them to happen to you.

Here is another example of that.

Starbucks. 1:00pm. Friday.
Enters: A happy energetic Jessica, ready for an afternoon green tea. She waltz's right in smiling at all the folks enjoying their afternoon teas and coffee goods.
Out of the corner of her eye she sees something large and round and she must turn her head to look. Its a gigantic blown up animal of some sort. Some sort of radio station must be promoting something. Why else would there be a huge blow up Cat right outsi.....Whap!

Jessica walked right into another human being. This innocent bi standard who probably saw me coming, yet didn't give me the "excuse me!" that most other people would, had they noticed me waltzing full speed ahead. I cause this poor older women to spill her HOT latte all over the floor....I am not finished yet.

So , I said she spilled her hot Latte all over the floor. Much to my surprise she didn't spill a drop on her blouse, this I noticed from my position on the floor... where I slipped in her Latte and fell right on my tail bone. Lovely.

Still not done.

Right as I fall to the floor in the Latte a man turns and trips right over me. Now lucky for hi he did not meet the same fate as I. You see, I was there to hold him up, my face was there to hold him up...my right cheek bone was there to hold him up. His knee plowed right into my cheek. He didn't fall though, lucky guy.

So there I am in all my splendor, starring at the now stupid blow up cat outside the window. Yep I know now that it is for sure a blow up cat. I had a clear view, straight shot from the floor.

All the folks at the Starbucks know me so they made the latte lady another drink and didn't charge me for it, they even gave me a free piece of chocolate to make me feel less embarrassed. It helped a little. Until I wrote this and realized WHAT A MORON I REALLY AM!

So there you have it. In the history books folks.

Letter to Jaden

2009-02-27T09:26:00.000-08:00

"mmmm Wake me up with a pet mom."
Jaden's famous first words almost every morning. She likes it when I grab a stuffed dog and tell it to "wake up Jaden, its time to get ready for school" and then the dog precedes to tickle her and pull the covers off.

So, this morning I woke her up with a pet. Her big stuffed dog named Icy. Icy has had more reconstructive surgery than Joan Rivers. I have sewn every leg, both ears, one eye and the tail so many times I cannot count. Icy no longer holds his original shape and has lost around 5 lbs due to massive stuffing loss. Icy is the old time favorite though. (Icy used to be called Dizzy, but apparently has had a name change)
Currently, her bed time toys are Icy, a bunny that she insists is a puppy named Verruca and a bear she also insists is a puppy named Katie.
She loves them and they have been going everywhere with us these days. Last night I spied on her at bedtime...she was singing "Jesus Messiah" to them. Of course she was singing the chorus over and over and over but still very sweet none the less.

This morning in the car on the way to school, she was singing "It ain't me Babe" to them.

Gosh, where does time go? I swear, I have days that seem to drag on until I want to pull my eyes out of my sockets and yet the time with Jaden just keeps flying by. I wish I could freeze time. But I can't.........no, I cant.
She is so silly, and has a very advanced sense of humor for her age. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have opened a kitchen cabinet only to have a stuffed animal leap out at me. How many times she has squeezed Ketchup onto her fingers and fake cry until I get in real close to look at the "boo boo" only to have her lick the ketchup and both gross and freak me out until I realize that in fact, its ketchup.

She does come by it honestly though. She does get me sometimes though man, really get me. Last night I was in the bathroom running her tub and I hear her scream bloody murder. I run out to the living room and see nothing. I cant find her now. I turn to look in the closet (her usual hiding spot) and right when I turn around she jumps off the bed right at me! Lags and arms flailing and roaring like a lion. My heart skipped a beat man. Then when she realized the success of her handy work she breaks in laughter and says "hahaha I got you ".

Little Bug.

So thats it. Jsut want to blog everyday so Jaden can look back and read all about stuff in "the old days".

The Contest

2009-02-25T08:46:00.000-08:00

Picture it.
5am I am putting the tea pot on the stove.
I turn around and here comes Jbug in her long Jon Jammie's with her hand in her pants scratching her butt and yawning at the same time.

Now anybody that knows Jaden well, knows that when she wakes up in the morning she has the look of a 20 year old after an all night er...the "don't talk to me for at least five minutes" look.
I continue to get my mug ready with honey, and as I do I hear" hey mom where is your coffee?"
Normally I am making coffee in the morning but I have been fighting a soar throat and cold so I am making tea.
"Oh I am making tea to make my throat feel better bug."
Jaden just stands there in all her morning glory and looks at me.
I say " what do you need bug? you hungry yet?"
"No. I just don't understand all of this tea mom."
After i laugh, she gives the "hey don't laugh at me" look.
So I stop laughing as she walks away to her toy basket and plops down in front of.
She starts pulling out toys and looks at them....I can almost read her thoughts"boring toys".
She begins pulling all the toys out one at a time and tossing them behind her in reckless abandon when I come in the living room and say" dude what are you doing? Your making a huge mess over here bug."
She looks around at the scattered toys and shrugs her shoulders.

Background story:
Jaden and I have been reading a story at bedtime about a little girl named Francis who has a hard time going to sleep at night because of all the noises animals make at night. Her father explains to her that its a crickets job to chirp at night and that its the winds job blow the branches on the trees etc. So now whenever I ask Jaden to do something she replies " yep that's my job, huh mom?"And whenever I do something "its your job momma" Normally its my job to make coffee in the morning and its her job to eat her breakfast in the morning.

Back to the story:

I stand there in the living room looking at Jaden, who is now standing up with hands firmly on hips and looking at me. (Super Grump)
"Pick up some of these toys please" I say as I hold my tea.
"I'm not going to work today mom" she says and walks off to our room, closes the door and gets back into bed.
I go into our room, pull the covers off of sleeping beauty and say "hey, its time to get up. I want you to pick up some of those toys too." And I walk back to the kitchen to get her breakfast ready.
I turn around and there she is again.
Hands on hips.Long Jon Jammie's. Messy hair. Eyebrows slightly angry.

I say" Jaden are going to pick up your mess or not?"
She replies" I told you mom, I am not doing my job today!"
"Jaden, pick up your toys." I say.
"mom, make coffee and then I will pick up my toys."
"Excuse me?" I say.
" When you do your job I will do mine."

Then we stand there, starring at one another.
We are now heavily engaged in what has become a routine in our household when small issues become big issues for no reason, and we both know the only way to resolve them is by shrugging it off....the starring contest.
Jaden makes the same face I do when I try not to laugh so its hard not laugh. Shes good though,tiny hands on tiny hips is funny stuff.
Finally she breaks, and walks away to pick up her toys while laughing.
I won. I won. Thank God.
It is one of the hardest things as a parent, to discipline your kid when they are being funny. She was being defiant, but funny and it was tough.
The starring contest seems to be a happy medium for us though.
I won.

Mommy 1,152 wins
Jaden 7 wins

Its a New Day!

2009-02-23T16:06:00.000-08:00

"I will say Hi I'm Jaden Elise Larkin do you want to be my friends?" I hear quietly from the backseat. Jaden and I are on our way to a new Pre-school this morning and Jaden is rehearsing what she will say to the new kids. " Oh Natalie! We can be friends again!" I hear.
Then there is some silence followed by " Mom, I will ask the kids to be my friends right?" I say " sure honey if you want to. It's up to you who your friends are so chose them carefully okay?"
She thinks about it for a minute...
We pull in to the parking lot and as I turn off the car and turn around for our morning "pep talk" Jaden says " I want to pick only kids that treat me with respect huh mom." I say "yes that's right, and if there are kids that are rude, you should just love them and be extra nice. And tell your teacher if anybody hurts you okay?"
"okay mom, I think I will be okay though. I am a very nice girl and I will wait to ask my Friends to be my friends first."
So she had it all planned out and was ready to go. She asked me if her friend Natalie was there and I said I didn't know yet. Just then Natalie and her mom go walking by. "Natalie! There she is mom! Shes still here!"
We go inside right behind Natalie, and the two girls hug, they hugged for a long time and then they kissed each other. Jaden immediately began to unzip her backpack and show Natalie her nap time toy and her Tinkerbell blanket and her spare clothes for in case she had an accident.
Natalie used to go to Kinder Care with Jaden so they knew each other well. For out visit a few weeks ago Jaden saw Natalie and was immediately sold Wee Care as her new Pre-school.
I walked Jaden into her class and Natalie took Jadens hand and said Jaden, come with me and lets be Friends!"
Jaden found her cubby and then she went to hang up her coat...Natalie hung up her coat for her. Jaden was trying to process all this, you could see in her eyes how happy she was that this was her school and that it was finally her first day.
Before going to sit down next to Natalie, Jaden ran up to me and hugged and kissed me and said "mom I really love it here thank you letting me come to this school with my new Friends and thank you for all the blessings mom! I am happy and I am crying, but nobody hurt me, I am just happy mom. " She was so happy, she had tears in her eyes, she was so happy. The look on her little face was one I will never forget as long as I live. She was just so happy.

Anyhow, Jaden is a big girl now. She has her new pal again and I cant wait to pick her up and hear all the details.

What is your rainy day favorite?

2009-02-17T14:42:00.000-08:00

I am at work. Thinking about all the things I would rather be doing right now.

Taking a quick break to ask you guys what you love most about the rainy days we have had lately. I love the rain, I love the heat too but because its raining I will only ask about rain.
What are your favorite things to do in the rainy weather?

"Oh Me you ask?"

Well, I love to build a big fire with real wood, not the duraflame log as per the usual but a big crackly roaring fire. I like to put on my cozies and slippers and lay right in front of the fireplace on my back while Jaden hurls her 45 pound body knees first into my chest.
I like a nice hot cup of green tea or some good coffee. Maybe nice piece of dark chocolate.Or two.
I like to just crack my window a tiny bit and listen to the sounds of the rain and feel the warmth of the fire on my face. ahhh.
then, when I am outside, I cannot resist jumping in prime puddles. I have gone home with wet socks two days in a row because I cant help myself!

So, what is your guys favorite thing to do in the rain?

I accept the Challenge. 44 Things about me

2009-02-13T13:23:00.000-08:00

1. Do you like blue cheese? Not really

2. Have you ever smoked? From age 14 to age 23, a pack a day of lucky strikes gross I know.

3. Do you own a gun? no, would like too

4. What flavor of Kool-Aid Is your favorite? Don't really drink used to use fruit punch to dye my hair though.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? I get nervous looking at the sick people in the waiting room...

6. What do you think of hot dogs? They are awful things but so tasty at a ball game. I have made a resolution never to eat them again!

7. Favorite Christmas movie? Its a wonderful life most definitely sometimes Charlie Brown Christmas

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee

9. Can you do push ups? Yes I can! I can even do them the dude way now!Thank you Jillian Michael's.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? I have none at all. I used to have an awesome watch that I wore all the time though.

11. Favorite hobby? Fishing, writing, but mostly anything I can do with Jaden that results in fun.

12. Do you have A.D.D.? Nope, yep, nope, wait...what?

13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? The first impression I give people. I make a terrible first impression.

14. Middle name? Lee

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: Where is number 16, The Forklift repair guy is here and he thinks I have a crush on him but I don't so it makes for awkward conversation and he is watching me through the window and I am thinking " who has the crush here guy?", and I want to get a dog so bad!!!!

17.Current worry? Of course the big picture, future, Jadens college tuition...no worries really.

18. Current hate right now? Snacks and treats. Its more of a love hate thing though.

19. Favorite place to be? In bed on Saturday morning at 5am just before Jaden wakes up...still in my cozy spot. Or church at worship time.

20. How did you bring in the New Year? At my older sisters house after a night of baby-sitting fun. We were two minutes late on the countdown though.

21. Where would you like to go? Anyplace that I can take Jaden and chill out, Disneyland is one of our Goals. Camping around Tahoe in the summer would be nice.

22. Name three people who will complete this? Jen, and that's all I got dude.

23. Do you own slippers? Love them!

24. What shirt are you wearing? Green vintage button up short sleeve with white polka dots...

25. Do you like sleeping on satin Sheets? I am sure I would if could....

26. Can you whistle? oh yes-actually not really but I wish I could.

27. What is your all time favorite song? "Jackson"by Johnny Cash and June Carter.

28. Would you be a pirate? That depends...do I get a bird in the deal or not? I hate birds.So if being a pirate requires a bird the answer is no.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? None. I live in apartments and everybody can hear everything. I just shower in silence, dreaming of the day when I can belt out any show tune that pops in my head.

30. Favorite girl's name? Jaden, Joei, Lily, Lila, Selah...

31. Favorite boy's name? Max. As a girl all my toys that were boys were always named Max.

32. What's in your pocket right now? one Peso....really. And a ripped up dollar that has been in these jeans for over a month. very clean dollar. The vending machine will not accept it.

33. Last thing that made you laugh? The fact that I just asked the only Mexican guy in my office how to spell "Peso". Luckily hes a good sport.

34. Best bed sheets as a child? Clean ones. When you share a bed until age 13 you cant be too picky.

35. Worst injury you've ever had? 1992 I sprained my ring finger and could not partake in the massive Tether Ball phenomenon

36. Do you love where you live? Oh gosh no. I love the people I am surrounded by though so it all evens out.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? One. And no we are not ready for the switch to digital.

38. Who is your loudest friend? That would be my younger sister.

39. How many dogs do you have? None-wish I had one though.Man's best Friend they are.

40. Does someone have a crush on you? Nope, just lesbians and weird forklift repair guys....Can a girl catch a break!!!!!

41. What is your favorite book? The BIBLE.

42. What is your favorite candy? Anything chocolate.

43. Favorite Sports Team? The Steelers!!!!!Since 1999

44. What song do you want played at your funeral? Wow, that really sucks all the fun I was having filling this out....Now all I can thin about is death. Thanks Charity.Gees. I don't know, whatever sounds good at the time I suppose, I wont be there to hear it so it really doesn't matter.
For my wedding, I will dance to anything as long as I am dancing with a man who is taller than me and doesn't use the phrase " Thank you much".

Thank you and Good Night!

2009-02-12T12:24:00.000-08:00

I got hit by another lesbian.
I would now like to take this time to say that in the past three years I have been hit on by more lesbians than men.
In fact, the only man that has hit on me was a creepy old guy at work. So, Lesbos 4 and creepy old guy 1. That makes a total of 5 hit ons.
At least the one Lesbian sent me a chocolate basket complete with candy and caffeinated beverages.

Thank you all for being a great audience! Goodnight!

I am now going to take my seat in the theater of life and watch as other people play the roles of love and harmony. Pass the popcorn.

My Dependence is on Him

2009-02-05T08:20:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to sleep at 7:30pm. I was exhausted.This week has been the follow up to a rough previous week. Last week I thought, "I just need to get through this week and I will be okay again." This week I find myself saying " I just need to get through this week and then next week will be easier." As this day goes on I can see the forecast for the next week already looming and approaching quickly.

My Dependence is on Him. It has to be, otherwise I would fail myself and my daughter in some way I am sure of it. My dependence is on Him.

I have been working at home in addition to my work in the office. Every now and again I take a laptop home to keep caught up on things. Thursday, Friday, Monday, Tuesday I have been up until the late hours of the night working. I go to sleep and then wake up remembering one more thing I need to do and I do it. But mostly I am putting on a couple pots of coffee and knocking it out. So last night I slept with my bug snuggled next to me at 7:30pm.

My Dependence is on Him. It has to be, otherwise I would crack by now under the enormous pressure I have been experiencing.

Pressure I put on myself, pressure to be on top of every little thing at work, Pressure to keep up with the other moms at Jadens school. Valentines are due tomorrow as are snacks for the party they are having at 2pm that I wont get to be apart of because I have to work. Correction, I will get there when the party is over. Pressure to be in shape and keep working out everyday. Pressure to be a mom and a Dad for who knows how long. Pressure to budget my finances, clean the dirty kitchen, do the laundry. Pressure to be a super awesome mom all the while. Pressure is all I feel today. Pressure is all I ever feel anymore.

My dependence is on Him. I t has to be. Otherwise I would have carried this pressure all day instead of giving it God this morning in prayer.

I depend on God. I never used to. I used to depend on my own abilities and strengths. The downside to that was that I also fell back into my own weaknesses. Not anymore.
Since I have really given my heart to the Lord I find myself calling on Him before I take things out of His hands and back into mine. I can't hold this pressure on my shoulders today but He can so He took it. Tomorrow maybe I wont feel this way but I know that no matter what, I depend on Him.

I can do all things in Christ where my strength is. I can do all things because He carries the burden, the weight, the pressure. It is amazing what a regular person is able to when the worry, pressures and burdens are absent from the situation.

My Dependence is on Him. I like that. For the first time ever, I run to God instead of ignoring Him and dealing with things on my own. I truly Depend on Him. That's awesome.

I know everybody feels pressures and has bad days, but how awesome is God that we can depend on Him to carry the load? How awesome is it that we don't have to be stressed or tired if we don't want to be? Man I love that!
Wings of Eagles He promises us. Once Eagles strive and strain to get in the sky they just soar. They stop doing all the work and they let the environment around them be what carries them. they no longer fly against wind they use the wind to rest and soar.
I like that promise. I want to use my environment today to Soar instead of working against it.

Just wanted to share that today is all. It made me feel so assured today to realize that I depend on Him. I wouldn't want to depend on anybody else.

On a lighter note...

2009-01-28T09:31:00.001-08:00

On a lighter note than my previous blogg I accept Jen's Challenge.
Pet Peve.

I hate when I am working at my desk and the guys in the cubicles that surround me start eating. It doesnt matter what they eat, it is still in stero.

Corn nuts should be banned.

I also cant stand when some of the men I work with act like they dont know how to do something just so that I will do it for them, drives me bonkers.

Last of all, I cant stand when people whislte. Hate it. Unless somebody is an exceptional whislter and I find the tone of the whistle to be enjoyable.

Oh, and grown ups who cut in line.
Hello, No front cuts please!

To cut or Not to Cut...

2009-01-26T15:37:00.000-08:00

Growing up as a young girl in the late 80's early 90's the style all the pop sensations were wearing was short hair, with a perm if possible. Whitney Huston, Donna Summers, Queen Latifa, TLC and the list just goes on. all the super cool Chic's had short hair. Naturally I wanted to be cool like them....(I think about it now and how they were all black and I realize maybe the kid n play look wouldn't have worked out for me) anyhow, like them I too wanted the awesome short hair.

Now before I go any further I must explain how beautiful my hair was a a young girl. It was long below my rear end and so soft and healthy. Every night my mom would put a braid in it so that I didn't wake up with knots in it. My younger sister also had long hair. Long hair was our claim to fame, our pride and joy, everybody loved it.

then, almost like in a old western novel the wind began to blow a little too slowly one day. The town was quiet and everybody had the feeling of change on their minds. My mom had made the usual trip to the grocery store and noticed that the super cuts in the shopping plaza was having a $5 special on hair cuts. My mother, killing two birds with one stone decided it was best for me to go get my hair cut while she shopped to be more efficient. I was scared. I had never really done stuff like that on my own before. I went ahead and walked into the super cuts. The smell of perm solution and nail Polish remover filled the air. "I wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Huston was playing on the radio. I remember thinking I too wanted to dance with somebody, feel the heat with somebody but I was only a kid and had no idea what I was singing along too.
Anyhow, a lady wearing giant earrings came gliding across the floor. She was a heavy set gal but she had a cool shirt clip and short curly hair with a neon green headband and I knew I was in trouble.
"Hi sweetie, go ahead and grab a book and take a look at what kind of style you want and Kim will be with you soon." I look over at Kim and she looks promising. She was Asian and I know I was only like 9 but I am pretty sure I said to myself " oh cool shes Asian she knows how to cut hair"
So I look through this book. We all know of the books at hair salons right? all super lame hair styles that without massive amounts of gel, dye and wet concrete you could never repeat the style yourself? All the women looked so super awesome to me I couldn't decide who I wanted be.
Kim came over and put her hand on my shoulder and asked if I was ready. I told her yes even though deep inside I wanted to scream " don't touch my hair!
I sat in the chair while she wrapped the big black cape around my neck. the flattering black cape. I told her I couldn't decide on a cut but that I wanted a trim. My mom made it clear that I was only there to get a trim to the middle of my back. I made sure I said "trim" I figure hair cut Lady's know what that means.
Well, Kim didn't know what I meant by trim. I can only imagine that she saw the book I was reading and assumed I wanted short hair like the women in the pictures, because she started chopping hair off like crazy. I was just a kid and didn't know what to say or do so I just sat there watching her cut my hair. All my long hair.
Needless to say my mom did not pay for the "hair cut" and I was so devastated. I remember my brother telling me it wasn't so bad and that I kinda looked like the blond from Wilson Phillips.
this did make me feel better for the moment.

Traumatizing to say the least. This short hair cut set my life into a spiral of other bad haircuts and old ladies telling me how cute my hair was. Not mention I wore glasses too big for my head. Just a bad news bear all around.

I tell you all this because my beautiful long haired three year old has been asking me to get her cut like the Little girl from the Chronicles of Narnia. A short bob hair cut. Short, like to the ears short.
Now, I know its my job to help her find herself and all that but after much debate I finally pretended to call the "Barber shop" as Jaden called it, and pretended that the hair cut ladies only cut hair for girls at age four and up. Jaden seemed cool with this, her response was " oh, so when I am four like Joei I can go to the barber."

That was that. Does this make a bad parent? a Selfish parent? AM I living vicariously through her?
Probably. But of the things, moments, styles and boy troubles that I will see her through in her lifetime...she will never endure a bad haircut while in the midst of them. Not on my Watch.

PS- Thanks for the crummy haircut Kim!

I can do it myself mom!

2009-01-22T08:53:00.001-08:00

I know I have already expressed the growing up that Jaden is doing these days but I have something else to share...
Last night Jaden wanted a juice box before supper. Normally she gets the juice box from the fridge and will ask me to open it and stick the straw in the pouch. Well Last night I went to put the straw in and she said " I can do it myself mom! Let me do it!"
I watched as she opened the little plastic straw and fumbled around with it until punching it into the silver hole where the straw belongs. She then sat on the couch. crossed her legs and commenced to sipping her juice. I don't know why, but at this moment I was floored by her. My little chubby baby is now putting straws in her own juice boxes! She used to need me to do that. She used to follow me through the house holding the juice box up in the air saying " mom I want a juice box mom I want a juice Mom open my juice box!"I am starting to wonder why I miss that....
But now she doesn't need to do that anymore.
As I was strolling down memory lane to Jaden in her Pampers taking her first walk around our old apartment complex in her little pink Velcro sneakers and tiny pony tail on top of her head smiling shouting "momma momma!" the three year old Jaden interrupts me to say " so, lets talk about our day mom. How was yours?"
I start to tell her it was okay but I really missed her all day until she interrupted me and began talking all about Jack Duncan and how they played Spider man and shared their snack. She went on to tell me how at craft time they made big dinosaurs with sparkles on them and hers was red and Alexis's was purple. She told me all about the book of the week, The lost mitten. She recited some choice lines and described the tone of the book and how it made her so happy and smart.
She told me it was January and it was Wednesday. The talking went on until bath time when I started to read my magazine while she played and splashed.

Long story short, time goes by so fast. I miss my little chunky monkey baby who slobbered on me and only wanted to eat green beans and sweet potatoes. The baby who used to fall asleep in her highchair. I miss the mornings waking up to her little body climbing on me. I just miss her. In the same note I am so happy to know this three year old girl. This youngster that loves animals and painting and a boy named Jack Duncan (public enemy #1). This girl that talks about everything she knows and who just wants to know everything about everything. Who will she become? What is she going to do in the years to come? I know someday I will look back down memory lane to these times and miss them just as much.

Anyhow, that's it. My baby is not a baby anymore. Shes a Pre-schooler. Life is a fast ride so I hope we all take the time slow down and enjoy it when we can.

Such a sweetie

2009-01-21T14:48:00.000-08:00

Jaden is really growing up. She has not worn a pull up at bedtime for two weeks now! This was rough but it was her choice. Actually she demanded "dont make her wear pull ups anymore because they are for baby lil!" Baby Lil is the new addition the group of nieces I have and will most likely be called baby lil until she is old and grey.
Anyhow, Jaden really did not want to wear the pull ups any longer. She hasn't worn pull ups since around 2 and a half years old, just at night. About three weeks ago I started noticing that when I would check on her after she fell asleep, she would have no pants on....no pull up either. Now at first I thought this was just a weird Jaden thing, as she used to take off all her clothes and sneak into my bed and snuggle with her stuffed piggie. Jaden likes being naked. She like that moment just before tub time when she gets to be in "the buff" or in her words her "naked suit". She runs around and jumps on the couch, then jumps on the bed all the while laughing in her silly little laugh. She loves it. She shakes her chubby little butt and and has a blast. Now that I have totally embarrassed her and said too much, please allow me to continue...
So, I thought this whole not keeping her pants on was a weird Jaden thing. Until the third time in a row she did it I asked her "why?".
"Because I am not a baby Lil" as if Lilly was some kind of species that Jaden was not related to anymore. Like Lily is the theory of evolution and Jaden wants no part of it!
Then she quickly says " I just want to wear panties in bed like Joei" so that was it. She is a pantie wearer at bedtime now and thus ends the chapter of diapers, training pants and wipes. Its like the end of an era.
It is weird though, I miss the days of changing those tiny little diapers.

So in closing...Jaden loves being naked, doesn't sleep in pull ups, and does not want to be "a baby lil".

Ramblings

2009-01-19T09:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was super awesome church time! The focus was all about what we need to do to really serve God. Lots of good stuff to take away from the messages but the big ones that I took away was to seek Him first and having that childlike faith. Seeking God first is not as easy as it sounds and neither is really trusting Him. The walk on water trust.

Let me explain what it means to be devoted to something. To be be truly dedicated to a cause, a purpose in effort to better ones life...to better many peoples lives.

My daughter Jaden is a total sweetheart. She is also the slowest three year old on the face of the earth. Not slow in the "not so bright" sense but slow in that everything she does takes three times longer than anybody else. I am not exaggerating. Every morning, just getting out of the house takes longer than my whole morning process. I can get dressed, do my hair, have my coffee and coat ready with keys in hand and Jaden will still be putting her right foot through her pant leg.
Jaden does not multi task. I think multi tasking is something we force on ourselves in adulthood because we are not born with the ability to focus hard on two things at once, living in our go go go world we eventually evolve into multi tasker's. As a result of this multi tasking evolution we end up multi tasking everything we do. Dishes while cleaning, Praise and worship while vacuuming, breakfast and driving you see where I am going with this.
Not Jaden though. She does one thing at a time giving each moment her utmost devotion. attention and diligence. At story time she reads books two or three times until she fully understands the whole story. At bedtime she has a certain posse of stuffed animals that must lay beside her and be tucked in with prayer requests, hugs and kisses. In the morning, when selecting the one stuffed animal she will be taking to school and sleeping with at nap time, she takes her time evaluating the snuggle factor and who she has already taken to school giving each toy equal love and attention.
Yes it drives me up the wall. Yes I nag her more than I wait patiently on her. Yes I wish I had her devotion.
No matter how early I set my alarm clock, no matter how long I read the word I am not as devoted as Jaden. I am not as trusting either.
Jaden, like all children are living for the moment because they trust that the next moment will come all on its own. When they say their prayers they trust that God hears every word the first time they pray.
Last night I asked Jaden if she had any prayer requests and she said "nope". I said " how about we ask God to bless our family and keep everybody safe?" to which Jaden replied " mom we already did." And she was right, we already did. God already heard that request. Jaden trusted that all it took was the one time and we didn't need bug him with the repeat prayers. Then she said" since we don't have new prayer requests can we sing an extra song?"
So here she is, trusting the Lord that anything we ask in his name is given to us according to his will. Now she wants to sing extra songs to Him. ( we have only been singing worship songs at bedtime to help her not have bad dreams). Technically Jaden was asking me if she could worship a little longer. ahhhhh.

Now to her she probably just wanted to stay up a little later. But to me it was more than that.
Now again, I may be like five steps behind everybody else and this is old news. But if its not then I urge every person that reads this to just worship God a little longer instead of reciting the same needs and wants to God. God already knows our hearts and he already knows our needs so lets appreciate him a little longer. Lets not worry about time and deadlines if we can help it. Lets do one thing at a time and trust that each moment and day will come when its supposed to according to Gods will. And if anybody is like me and just wants to know what God's calling is then stay in the word and stay at his feet until we find out what it is.

Let's try to be alittle more like the children of God he has already called us to be.

Our first fight...

2009-01-14T14:05:00.000-08:00

I had to post this strictly for the memory factor.
Someday Jaden and Joei may or may not sneak out to a wild party or Hannah Montana concert and get caught by the Stockton pd then use their one phone call to call us for bail out money and I would like to remember how innocent our fights used to be....

This morning we had a fight. She yelled at me because I wouldn't wash her tights so she could wear them to school. She peed in her panties right as we were walking out the front door this morning…like I am going be an hour and a half late for work to wash her pee tights. (normally I don't let her ear tights to school but she had insisted with her foot firmly stomped on the ground several times)Right.
So she light blew a gasket and yelled how “she does not like me anymore and I am not her friend!” Then of course there are no other clean tights so she had to wear pants with the dress. This was not okay with her either. (more of the previously mentioned foot stomping occurred)
When it was all said and done we are in the car driving and we were not speaking to each other, she says” mom I love you.” And of course I am all gushy and say “ I love you two bug. I am sorry we had a fight.” And then she says “oh its okay I forgive you.” Totally implying that I was the cause for the fight. Like its my fault for not stopping the world and washing her tights! So I say “ do you have something to say to me?” and she says “ Yes, I need a lot more tights for if this happens again I will have a spare pair.”

So in conclusion I somehow lost the fight and shouldered the blame as well. I know Jaden and I will forever see eye to eye on everything and we will never ever fight again....(sarcasm) So I just wanted it down in black and white.

I get it now.

2009-01-14T10:05:00.000-08:00

Hello all two of you who actually read my blog. It has been a while since my last post and I figure I owe it to my fans to update it!
Gosh so much has happened since then. This may be long post...

My whole life I have known God. He didn't always know me but I always knew him. I knew that in order to be truly saved I had to pick up my cross and follow him. I had to die to myself and this world if I truly wanted to live for him. In short I knew I had to be separate from this world.
Knowing and doing are two different things though. I get that now.
On Sunday I had the chance to listen to two very great Sermons. The first by "Pastor Joey Steelman" and the second by "Pastor Bill". Both spoke directly to my heart. Directly.

Joey spoke about being separate from this world and living in God's will. When anybody speaks about Gods will I get so frustrated and upset. It all seems so simple...do Gods will and all Will fall into place. Well what do you do when you don't know his will? I know he wills us to live in him and be separate and to be salt and light and the basics but what if you don't know his specific major will for your life? Well this is what I ask myself every time I hear somebody say "gods
will". People have told me that I just need to listen to Gods voice and then I will know. "What does his voice sound like?" I ask myself. I always expect it to be a crazy loud thunder clap or a still small voice...Someday I will find out. "But what about right now?"
Anyhow I went home very flustered at God and so tired of hearing about "gods will". By the time I reached my seat on Sunday Morning I had convinced myself that maybe God didn't have s specific will for me and that's why I cant hear him tell me what it is. Maybe his will is that I just live and be a good mom and volunteer and then die. "If that was the case then please God get me out of this stupid world so I can be with you!" I would say. Then I would think about bug and how she needs her mom and I would feel bad for saying that.

Then I went to church on Sunday night. Bill spoke about the thoughts I was having in the paragraph above and about some of the same stuff Joey did. Very good. He spoke about how sometimes people who are saved and believe in the Lord can still carry hurt and get angry. How even though we are saved and come to church we aren't really where God wants us to be. As I sat there listening I kept telling myself the same thing I was telling myself in the morning service" this doesn't apply to me. I don't have a major will for my life and I am already saved so don't cry and don't make another commitment to God. I'm not a major part of the body of Christ. don't feel anything Jess." I hate to cry. It makes me feel so embarrassed and weak. My whole life I have hated it. I am tougher than that.
Then in the last five minutes of Bill's sermon everything that was coming out of his mouth was in response to every thought I was having in that moment. It was weird. Then I thought back on what Joey said earlier that day about how we add so many chapters to our lives by not surrendering to the will of God.

I was sick of all the chapters I had added. I started to think about who I could be by now if I had only listened the first time. I could have been the missionary I wanted to be when I was twelve. I could have been a threat to the devil. I could have shared the gospel. I could love myself enough to try harder and do better. I could not hurt anymore. I could not push my anger down in the pit of my stomach and pretend to be happy anymore. I could stop being fake and putting on a fake smile when really all I want is hug or somebody to listen.
the next thing I knew I was running to the alter. I fell on knees and began to do the thing I hate so much. I cried. Not cried and sobbed with tears...I bawled. I had noises coming out of me that I couldn't control. I had never allowed myself to cry like that. I couldn't stop. I tired to stop but I couldn't stop. I had a steady stream of tears falling on my cheeks, not drops here and there but a steady flow of warm tears. I just let it all out. Then I heard Gods voice.
all this time I was waiting for an actual voice. TO me it was more like the need to do something though. Like an assurance. Like something I cant put into words very well.
When the crying finally subsided I began to speak to god in tongues. I completely let go and didn't try to explain things to God in my way I just let my guard down the Holy spirit began to speak. What an amazing thing the Holy Spirit is.

Finally, it was time for me to get up. I had been on the ground crying and grieving and getting it all out (in front of total strangers) and I just been split wide open in front of God. I was weak and vulnerable to him (willingly) for the first time in my life. Now it was time for me to stand up. Time to wipe my face clean and go home. I didn't want to leave right then, I could have stayed at that alter all night in God's presence.

As I tried to get up I realized both my legs had fallen terribly asleep. So I took my time. But in taking my time it turned out to be a good thing that my legs had fallen asleep. The Lord was lifting me up off the ground and I was coming off the floor a new creature. A totally new person. As I was getting ready to stand something inside me kept saying that it was time to live apart from the world. I realized that in that moment there I was completely separate from the world. I would be turning around and walking away from the alter and walking in to the world and this time I was separated form it. I knew that there were some people in my life that I had be separate from. Some scars I had to accept. Some adversity I had could only overcome in God's strength and power. I knew that I couldn't talk with certain people and that I couldn't be tolerant of certain things. I knew that I had to remain separate. For you guys maybe this seems like common Christian sense but to me it was the first time I realized that in order to be separate you have to sacrifice yourself. Really sacrifice your flesh. To actually be separate from the things of this world. that is the only way to truly live for God.

So, I walked away from the alter a Christian. A believer that had been separated from this world. I still am. Every other minute I am praying to God thanking him for his grace and mercy. Every minute I keep asking him for guidance. I keep telling him I want the path he prepared for me. I do this every other minute until I just walk the path he prepared and until I just am separate because I want to be separated from the world and not from God. I am reading the bible and praying in so much more. I realize that its not easy to be separate from the world. That it is a challenge each day. I have to pick up my cross each day.

All this time and I finally got it now. Let this be the first and final chapter of my life.
I still don't know the major will of God for my life but I know that if I draw close to him then he will draw close to me. I just need to seek him first and do the what I know is right and live my life according to the word. His Mercies are new every morning.

God is Awesome

2008-12-16T11:50:00.000-08:00

For many people, the Holidays mean many different things, but for most of us it symbolizes the night of our Saviors birth.
King of the Universe born in a stable to a virgin mother. How miraculous is that? God made the impossible entrance and an even more impossible exit. And he did it all without question.

I have been thinking a lot about the life that surrounded God while he was here on earth. I have always wished I was born in the time that Jesus walked the earth. Even thinking of it now I get a little breathless, just think what his voice must have sounded like…no doubt his voice was strong and commanded attention. To have his actual hands on your head while he prayed or just to be near him in a crowd…. No matter what, he carried more authority in his voice than any one person on the earth today.

The Savior of the world. Born in a stable. Lay in a manger. Hunted, persecuted, and murdered by this world even though he was as innocent of sin at his death as he was at his birth.
It is easy to focus on the death and resurrection of Christ because we all know that by his blood we are healed and all is forgiven. As humans I think we have a need to hold on most to that promise that God not only forgives and forgets but that he will someday embrace us in the most amazing way that you and I cannot even begin to imagine. Of course Gods promises came with the price of innocent blood shed. Blood shed and death that was only made possible by the pains of labor and birth into a human world.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that I was in need of perspective today and I got it now. When compared to the birth of my savior, nothing really matters enough to worry about. When we are in the hands of a God who rescues and restores things according to his ability I will have no fear for God is with me.
By remaining in God we maintain access to his abilities instead of our own.

School Days

2008-12-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

My Little bug is the toast of her class these days! When I go to pick her up it seriously takes like forever because she must hug all her pals....I thought I would show some pictures I took yesterday at her school to show you just half of the kids she hangs with. This group is the four year old group.

The group picture above are her Friends starting from the left: Raven, Jenica with the red hair in back, Jaden of course, Shannon, Ryan, and Zaria.

It's a new Day

2008-11-26T09:06:00.000-08:00

"It's a new day mom." Jaden says as we slowly walk down the stairs from our apartment.
Jaden has the most amazing way of seeing a movie or show one time and then using phrases and lines from the movie in her everyday life. The line about it being a new day is from a cute cartoon movie titled "Chicken Little". We all remember the book about Chicken Little right? Freaked out chicken running around like crazy in a big ole heap all becasue an acorn fell off a tree and hit him in the head. I remember reading the book as a youngster and thinking how silly this chicken was. To this day when people get all freaked out I refer to them as chicken little. I actually have a co-worker that I only refer to as chicken little because of his over the top panicky nature.

In the movie, Chicken Little's dad does his best to encourage the Little chicken after his massive acorn panic attack has brought on nothing but embarrassment. This confused and humiliated chicken has to start a new school year with the shame of the acorn incident over his head. His dad says "Its a new day son." All through the movie Chicken Little tells himself "its a new day" to encourage himself.

Of course now Jaden uses this phrase in context as we take our 15 minute trip from the front door to the car.

To her though, "its a new day mom". She was encouraging me. And herself. How sweat. When you stop to think about it, she needs that encouragement each day. We all do.
I cant imagine the every day struggles that present themselves to a three year old. Their whole world is so much bigger than ours. Jaden has to go to school and be part of a group of kids. Bullies, teachers that may only see half of an argument and not know who started it, snack time...who do you sit with? Nap time...maybe your not sleepy but you have to lay quietly anyhow. Or maybe your blanket doesn't smell like home anymore because its late in the week and the smell has worn off.
The playground. We all remember those days if we stop and think real hard.

Jaden is entering a new age. A new school age. Clicks and bullies begin to take form. Teasing and defiance. How does she make her way in all this?

"It's a new day mom." That's how she does it. My little buggie. She needs encouragement every morning now more than ever.

She is doing so good. I think I am the chicken Little. I don't like to hear that Monica took Jadens hello kitty hair clip or that Lauren didn't want to sit at her table at snack time. It breaks my heart to hear it. On the other hand I hear all about her new friends Jenica and Aurora and how they played butterflies at recess under the big tree. Life is full of its highs and lows and I guess from the minute we are born we start experiencing them.

To anybody who thinks they are having a rough day, stop and think about all the little ones out there growing up and learning about life today. Think of the times ahead of them and do your part to be a positive and encouraging piece of their life. Anyway you can.

What's the hurry Mom?

2008-11-25T11:36:00.000-08:00

Okay, so Jaden. She is a peach.
She is also a snail when it comes to getting out the door.
This girl takes soooo long to do anything. Follow me into this morning...

4:20am alarm clock goes off.I get up and wish it were Saturday.
I work out. Yes, I work out. 20 minutes of pain and agony that I hate every morning but am so glad I did when its all said and done.
Then I shower.
Here is where the fun begins.
I wake up Jaden around 5:00am. So, I go rub her little back that has crept into my bed as per usual and say in a soothing voice"Jaden its time wake up the sunshine."
Nothing.
So I go and put on the tea pot for my morning constitutional tea and news.
After the tea whistles I go in again."Jaden time to get up sweetie."
Still nothing. At this point I double check her nose to make sure she is still alive as she is a heavy sleeper.Shes breathing good. Good.

"WAKE UP JADEN!"
nothing.
Amazed I stand there next to my bed. Full dressed, hair in rollers, make up on. Only thing slowing me down now is a 42 pound morning sloth.
I pull the covers down. She pulls them up, rolls over and the butt is as high in the air as it can be.
I pull the covers down again and tickle her.
She did not like this. She sat straight up and in the most serious voice says to me
"Mooooom, what is the hurry?! Don't you see I am trying to sleep. I am still tired from my dreaming stories."
With that she lays back down and starts to nestle into her "cozy spot" as we call it.

Well Finally I got her up and managed to feed her, dress, her and do something that resembled a braid in her hair. Did we get out the door on time?
Nope.
When I was running to the car did she follow in haste?
Nope.Just scooting along picking flowers.(picking flowers is Jadens M.O, she is notorious for picking Flowers from any garden, any time at anyplace. Grave stones, restaurants, other peoples houses, she has no fear. She will take the flowers.)

Anyhow. I wish I could live in her mind for a while. No deadlines, no reason to rush. Just take my sweet time and pick the flowers.

God is so Good

2008-11-25T11:15:00.000-08:00

This is a song tha really speaks to my heart anytime I hear it. Its the top video in the bar to the right.
I justt wanted to share it with everybody. Lately I have been searching for so many things and this song just reminds me that I dont need to search very hard. I dont need to put so much pressure on myslef because I am in God's hands.We are all in His hands.

Tenth Avenue North - By Your SideFrom the album Over And Underneath

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face Just don't turn awayWhy are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child, Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

Chorus:
Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you
Look at these hands, at my side They swallowed the grave, on that night
When I drank the world's sin So I could carry you in And give you life

This one makes it all worth it.

2008-11-21T10:39:00.001-08:00

You ever notice that when you try to take life into your own hands and out of Gods, that you only mess it up? Well I just got back into God's hands and even though its hard to trust that everything is going to be okay I know deep down inside that everything is going to be okay.

The Lord Promises that he will never give us more than we can handle. I believe that. I think though that he means he would never give us more than He can handle...as long as we stay in Him we can handle anything. But boy when we step out and try to make things happen on our own; trust me you cant handle it.

I just read Psalm 91:4 "His Faithful Promises are your armor and protection."

God never breaks a promise. Everything he said He would do he has and everything He says he will do I don't doubt it. SO why cant I apply that to my own life? Faithful Promises are my armor and protection. The entire Bible is full of God's promises all I have to do is accept them. Armor and protection against anything.

I know this is just rambling. Its been a weird month and I have really had to call on God. Just like anybody else I have so many wants and desires and hopes. I have to really just be patient and realize that God is so good, and who am I to ask him for anything when he has given is son Jesus as a sacrifice for my sins. I have the gift of eternal life and I stumble over stupid things that only matter to this world.

"God is Faithful and his word is so true. Everything he said he would I know he will do.Amen." That's the last thing Jaden and I pray at night after our long list of blessings over family and Friends and all the the thanks to him...that's how we wrap it up.

God, give me faith like Jaden.

Santa is Real

2008-11-14T07:08:00.000-08:00

Santa is Real and I have proof...Saw him at Raleys yesterday.
Yep I am not fibbing.Let me set the scene.

Jaden and I were in the produce section at Raley's just minding our biz and getting green beans and Jaden was just about to lose her cool because I had to cut her off the beans as our bag was full.(those of you who know Jaden know her passion for green beans so it was an intense moment) when a man with a natural white beard, bushy white eyebrows, red snug t-shirt displaying his jelly belly comes around the corner out of the organics section.(I guess if your Santa you can afford Organic fruits and veggies).
I can only imagine the expression on Jaden's face because I myself was a taken back.(those who know me understand that I am a giant 5 year old trapped inside a 27 year old body most the time). So I am all like playing it cool like I don't notice the guy that totally looks like Old ST Nick. I don't remember everything but I am pretty sure I said"he is real" under my breath....I could have been thinking it but I was so excited I don't remember. (again 5 year old).
So I look over at Jaden just as she is about to flip a lid over the green bean situation and she just shuts up and stares at him as though he is a wild and rare animal and any sudden movements could scare him away.
In a small voice shes says "mom its Saaaantaaa". She tugs at my shirt and discretely (discretely to a three year old)points to him. I said "I know I see him".
Then Santa put his big Santa finger over his lips and said "shhhh Jaden I don't anybody to recognize me. I just have to buy some food and hurry back to the North Pole to feed my reindeer."

Okay let me interrupt the story: He must have overheard me say "Jaden chill out" like a million times over the stupid green bean fiasco and that has to be how he knew her name. Although before I cam to that conclusion I did question the real existence of a all knowing all seeing Santa Clause.Back to the story...

So Santa tells Jaden about his reindeer and how they are waiting for him.
Jaden says"oh Rudolph and prancer?They eat bananas just like me?"(she saw he had some bananas in his cart)
Santa says "oh yes, they eat all kind of fruit and vegetables except for on Christmas Eve when I share my cookies with them. You kids make so many cookies for me I cant eat them all. Now I have to go before people recognize me so make sure you behave for mommy and I will bring you lots of toys this year okay?"
Jaden says"yes sir I am being really good girl. I just got the green beans." (yhe right liar, I got the green beans while you had a heart attack)
Then as Santa turns to look at the cantaloupe he says" did you like that dolly I brought you last year?" and Jaden says yes I still have her she sleeps in my bed with me." (yhe right if you ever actually slept in your bed)
Then Santa said I knew you would like it honey. Now be good and Listen for me on Christmas Eve okay?Make sure to leave some cookies for my reindeer it helps them fly really fast okay?"
Jaden looked at me and said "mom we have to have lots of cookies for the reindeer!"

Then Santa left.
I have to say that my heart was warmed that this man ( who clearly banks on the fact that he looks just like Santa) was so sweet to Jaden and entertained a young girls fantasy of a man who smiles and laughs heartily and brings toys to all children around the whole world.It totally made her day. She has been telling everybody about the Santa Spotting.

I remember being little and my grandpa would tell me that Santa came through a magical door in his upstairs room. The door was magic because it had no stairs outside so the only way to get to the door was to fly.

I love Christmas and am so excited its almost here!

The Man of My dreams.....Barf.

2008-11-13T14:20:00.000-08:00

Okay. why on every persons blog in their little profile picture they always all say”I am married to the man of my dreams” Gosh I want to poke my eyeballs out with a spoon already!

Every blog…Married to the man of my dreams….smooch smooch!

I am plagued by this.

Is it like a secret phrase and there, out there somewhere is club of women who are all married to the men of their dreams and the only way to join is to have blog that states just that?

Nobody ever says, “ I am married to the last guy who asked me out” or “ I am married to the last guy who would put up with me” or “married to the one guy that proposed’ or " Happily married to the guy that got me pregnant"

Geese all you married people! Cool it already will you! We get it we get it; you are all married to the man of your dreams….if you ask me I don't care who you are, if you had had that dream 25 years ago you might call it a disturbing one so lay off the man of your dreams juice already!

Disclaimer: I am 27 and I am currently not married to the man of my dreams……

I Love my Sisters

2008-11-13T12:24:00.000-08:00

I am priveledged to be smack in the middle of two sisters that belong to me.
I get the benifits of tapping into the knowledga and life experiences from my older sister when it comes to most everything...the rest I get from Jaden.
Also, I get to be the older siste my little sis. Best of both worlds!
It deffinatley has its moments where "they just want whats best for you" or when "they know whats best for you" or when "they have been there before and its not whats best for you" but all in all they just want whats best for me.
Anyhow, My sisters are my only true friends. I think its because they have no choice really. Family is forever right?
Well lately my little sis and I have drifted apart, mostly due to my Christian walk with the Lord or her lack there of. I struggle sometimes with her because I jsut want whats best for her. Both my sisters know I am not the best with my words and I fail on many occasion to be sweet and sublte about my opinions. So ofcourse with my younger sis, we fight most the time or "debate" anytime we meet.

"Standing in the right corner is a lean mean Liberal machine with passive comments and snyde remarks for all things Biblical and in the left corner we have a new creature just trying to figure out to manage relationships but fails at almost every turn because she is brutally honest and over opinionated about other peoples lives!"
Gloves come off and its go time. We have always been that way.Disagreeing is our way of communication.I remember being 14 years old and sharing a room with my kid sis.(we always shared a room no matter how old we were. talk about a life sentance)
Anyhow, I like punk music and she ofcourse had to like boy bands and all things R&B. Our room was split down the middle with posters of our favorite artisit and personal effects. I hated her side and she hated mine.We wouldnt have wanted it any other way though.
We are still the same.I am alwyas right even when I am wrong and I always know more than her but never check the facts. She is always mental and cannot understand simple things like how ice cream is made and what makes a Turkey not another form of Chicken.No matter how much we change the dynamic stays the same.
Life sentance.

My older sister though has a different dynamic with me. We bothe share the same views on most things therfore we can have regular discussio about most things.
Growing up she used to be a whacko. She ruled the roost and we all knew it. I remember being in the elemtary school and wanting so badly to borrow any of her clothes. She ofcourse would never let me because I was just a kid and was bound to ruin her stuff.
One day,when she was on the front porch "chillin with her homies" i wnet into her closet and stole a top. Not just any top and weird multi colored half top. The top did not fit me...I did not blossom until mucha later in my years(thank you Jaden)but I just had to wear this top. I safety pinned the back and wore it under one of Sylvester the cat t-sshirts with matching shirt clip the next day. My older sis was none the wiser to my theivery.
I wore the shirt all day under my other shirt. When all the kids were walking home from school my big moment came.
Full top mode now, safteypin blazing. Friends all thought I was super cool.
Anyhow, she never knew becase I was "Super sneaky!"

That dynamic still hasnt changed. I dont steal clothes from her but I do admire them and hope that someday I will get a hand me down or too. And I still want to be like her when I grow up. And someday maybe God willing I will master the art of make-up like her.Most of all though, I look up to her in her walk with the Lord. She has come such a long way down such a twisted road and she never stumbles. Thats admirable. I jsut went and stopped my big siters house. She was just hanging ouy with Lil. I like that shes there.I like that I am here too.

Anyhow, I love my sisters. I think about them both alot. I am glad to have them both in my life.

Dreams are Free

2008-11-13T09:40:00.000-08:00

My daughter is hilarious. She wakes up with these crazy dream stories or "sleep stories" as she calls them.
This morning she tells me about a gigantic toilet full of alligator es. Baby Lilly fell in and Jaden and Joei had to jump in and rescue her because she cant swim yet and wasn't wearing her floaties.(never mind the alligators)
Just when they jumped in to save little Lil, Lila comes swinging in on a vine! Lila snatches all the girls up and takes them to the safety of a nearby shore.
Once they made it to shore they enjoyed pink and purple raspberry cupcakes and tarts, but not Joei because she said "stupid".
Then Lily gave Joei a tart and she was happy again.Apparently Lily can talk in Jadens dreams. GO Fig.

this was going on in my daughters mind last night while she slept.I have to say I am a little Jealous.

All I am asking

2008-10-30T07:12:00.001-07:00

Okay, so people who know me well know that when I do things for other people its out of the goodness of my heart. I dont expect anything in return. I wouldnt do something if I didnt want too.
Check this out,
THe other day on my lunch break I was at the gas station filling her up. I saw two older women next to a van that had the hood up and they were filling her up with water. I pull up alongside the women and offer my services as I am experienced with adding water to a car....I help out and put $10.00 on pump #12 and even pumped the old ladies gas.(Bear in mind that at first thought of paying for their gas I didnt want too. I was all like, no way am I buying these old birds gas I am just as broke as the next guy. My sister knows just how broke I am.)ButI felt something inside of me that wouldnt let it go.SO after much self struggle I did this gas thing.
I realized that to trust God was to not have a back up plan.I am good to trust God as long as I have a back up plan.But in my finances I have never trusted the Lord.
Let me tell you.
Turns out these women were with a Church from Bakersfield and the one old lay was driving the other old lady to ST Jospehs for medical care. They just neede a little gas to get there because they were meeting up with some other members of a congregation in Lodi to stay for the duration of the treatment.
Then the same day when I got home there were two cards in my mailbox. From the "in Laws" I call them. My daughters dad's parents.(please dont make me explain)
I open the card adressed to my daughter and there is a $10.00 bill inside. I think to myself aww Thanks God.Awesome.
Then I open the card for me and ther is $100.00 inside.
That was the first time I ever really did something even though physically I shouldnt have because I am on a tight budget.I did it anyway.I figured That could be Jesus on the side of the road and the Bible does say that "when we help the least of these we are helping him"

Then today on the way to school with Jaden, she is eating her breakfast in the car as we do at least 3 days out of the week. We are halfway to school when she says " Thankyou moma for making my breakfast.Its really good.Thankyou." Word for word.
Thats all I wasnt man, a little thanks every now again. Not a production with fireworks and song just a simple thank you.And today I got it.

She's Ready for a dad maybe

2008-10-29T09:37:00.001-07:00

Well we all know I am a single mom. I have always been a single mom so Jasen has never known her "dad" if you want to call him that.
She has never shown much interest in knowing about her dad either even though I always knew the day would come when she would ask valid questions and expect mom to have an answer.
That day came last night.At bed time.
Our nightly routine is as follows:
1. Supper
2. Bathtub and Jammers
3. Quality time with mom and Jaden until around 6:30pm
4. Then to the bed
5. Read some books and make up stories about Jaden and her cousin Joei going on crazy adventures.
6. Prayers
7. We talk about one real good thing that happened that day and usually end up talking about all sorts of things that only a three year old could have on her mind.

then its lights out hugs and kisses and to bed.
Well last night after all is said and done I hear her Little voice say " mom whats your daddy's name?"
After some delay in my thought process I answer..."uh his name is Jimmy." Then I regret my answer. I have always thought about the odd conversations to face but when the moment comes you just have to speak from the heart I guess.

So she said " where is he?" I said " he lives far away. I don't know him."
I explained that not all people are nice and sometimes people make bad choices and it gets them in lots of trouble or can change their path.(she is familiar with Paths as its a lesson she learned from a Land Before Time movie.)
She was with me on that one there, she said " oh, he made mistakes and made bad choices and now hes in trouble. He should listen to people he wont get into bad choices.He is sad now."

Anyhow enough drama. So, Jaden says " you are like me mom I don't have dad either its okay.We have Uncle and he can wrestle us and tickle us."
Then a pause and she snuggled me and said " But mom, I think I might be ready for a daddy maybe."
I said, "me too."
Then she prayed "God please bless my daddy and gives us a dady that can play with me and throw me in the air and chase those dinosaurs away. And we can have breakfast and watch kewlopolis"
Ofcousre I am all teary eyed and we say amen.

Just had to share the qualities Jaden looks for in a dad. I always find it a little funny when we talk about this stuff because I don't care who you are, you never remember the well spoken speech you practice before hand!

230 calories

2008-10-27T13:29:00.000-07:00

Its me V.S the vending machine at work.
Pretzles pretzles I tell myself.
In the ecorner of my eye I see a flash of orange and blue....mmmm paydays look good.Sweet and Salty.Girls best friend.
No! Pretzles.
Money in slot. Cha ching Cha ching and down the shute.
mmmkaaaayyyy so pretzles I guess.
I press "B"
Without even flinching I press#6.
Clack!whats done is done.
Hand through the extemely hard to open door flap(why do they make vending machines such an impenitraple force?)
And I got a Hershy's.With ALmonds.It was delicious.
230 calories later....was it worth it?
no.

This has been confessions from a chocoholic.

To always know God.

2008-10-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

SO every morning Jaden and I sing together to KLOVE. Then we say prayers ni the parking lot before she gets out of her car seat. Our morning routine.
Jaden always tells me to "Turn it up mom" and I do. Jaden sings along to all songs no matter if she knows them or not. She has her serious face on and her serious tone every time I check on her in my review. I love it.
So, this morning she was praising Jesus free style and it just blessed my heart.I always doubt my parenting skills at some point in the week...should I have done this or that am I a good mom, am I scaring her for life? And to hear her little voice sing her thanks to Jesus just makes me realize that in spite of any of my shortcomings as a parent;the one right thing I can be sure of is that I am providing a chance for her to have a relationship with the Lord. She knows who God is and how we are blessed. She knows she wants to be a blessing to others and that God made her special and that Jesus is in her heart. What a good foundation.

I think of all the kids out there in this world who don't get to grow up knowing the Lord. Gosh, growing up like that must be like taking a long trip to a new place but having no map. How do you measure success and failure.Right and wrong? Love and Hate? Truth and Deception? YO See what mean.

I was raised always knowing that Jesus was Gods son and he lived in Heaven. I knew God loved me and would forgive my sins. We didn't always go to church and my home life was far from perfect. But in my darkest most tormented and lost moments in my life I always heard a voice in the back of my soul telling me I could be forgiven. I always knew God loved me and that I could be more with him in my life. (made it hard to stay high)But never the less, I knew God was real. And when I was ready to clean my life up I knew where to go.
What about the tons of people who want to clean up their lives but just don't know where to go? They never knew God so how do they find him?

I sit here at work surrounded by cubicles full of people.I know that not a single one of the people in this office with me, working with me right now;they don't know God.
For the first time since I have worked here I am glad to be a doormat here. Glad to be pestered. Glad to be a laughing stock. Glad to be a witness.
They don't know God. They may very well get in a car wreck, get sick or take their lives and die never knowing Gods grace and forgiveness.
What do you do when you are overwhelmed with love and compassion for people that hate you? How do you witness to them without driving them away? I wish I could stand up right now and say some life changing thing that would melt every ones hearts and make them realize their need for God. I wish I could.
I guess I am just to be a witness. By my actions here. By the relationships I have here. To be available to answer any questions or offer any advice.

I just think, did any of them grow up knowing Jesus? Or are they traveling through this life with no direction, no map?

I just urge everybody to take notice of the people you are around. The people you see at the store or wherever. They need prayer, they need Jesus. They need to the chance to be saved. the least we can do is pray and give them a chance right?

I know its all a bit much, but I have never felt this way before. It just breaks my heart. I don't know what I should say or do here. How do I witness? Any thoughts?

How did I get here?

2008-10-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

James Brown was right when he sang " This is a Maaaaan's world"
Mr.Brown thank you for stating the obvious but could you maybe release the re-mix track that explains the women behind these men?Serious.Gosh.

Unsaved men are so super gross to me.Seriously, like grossed out to the max. So gross. Like I think I just puked in my mouth and swallowed it gross.
Okay, that was a gross illustration I apologize. But you get the idea now right?

Anyhow, I was thinking last night after I forced myself to work out and not eat a piece chocolate....How the heck did I get here? How did I get to this point in life? I hate my job. Hate it.(venting rule applies here). I am so blesses to be employed bla bla bla I know.
I don't make a difference to anyone doing my job though;thus my hatred for the job.

then I realize that my only one constant passion has been writing. Since I was 12 years and I wrote my first short story I have loved writing. Poetry, short stories, maybe some day greeting cards........:)
Now, yes my spelling is dreadful and there is much to be said about the rest of my grammer. But last night I was thinking"self, why didn't you go to school? you could have been a writer?" I mean, have you picked up a magazine lately? Driiiiiibllllle. I should be writing dribble!

Anyhow. I am 27 so its probably not gonna happen now. Does anybody else ever look at their career and ask how they got there? Why they are there? Does anybody else ever feel like they should be doing so much more to better the lives our fellow man?

I have to be honest. Sometimes I have to pray and ask God to forgive my jealousy towards my big sis. She is part of something bigger than herself and bigger than just her abilities.

I want a job that is bigger than me and my abilities God. I want you to reach people through me. Even just one. Amen.

Made for T.V Moment

2008-10-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

Okay...prepare to be glad you are not me but glad that you know me.

My whole life I have been the friend that people love because they do not endure the things I have;they simply stand on the sidelines and observe my life as a flip book that can be read at any given moment for their pleasure.I am cool with that, in fact I like it;I have a story for everything. I am a borderline "one upper"( a one upper is somebody that will listen to somebody else tell a story and when said story is finished, the one upper will begin her story with " dude this one time")
Used in a sentence:
(total exaggeration...I am a law abiding citizen)
Friend:" So I didn't get arrested and the cop let me off the hook with a warning"
One Upper: " Dude this one time, I was in a high speed chase and ran over a cow."

Now I am not that bad, but give me a few more years of being single and I will be me.

I digress though,

So here is the reason for my Blog today.Being the friend that has all things both awkward and bad happen to them I must invite you into my daily life.
Picture it: It's 10:20am and I am at work. I work for BMW by way of a third party Logistics Company. I enjoy coffee in the mornings as do most Americans. after having the two large cups of coffee this morning I had to use the restroom.( I wont get gross i promise)
So I turn down my smooth jazz radio radio station and quietly proceed to the restroom. Now the bathroom isn't to far from the offices so the goings on that take place in this story were most defiantly heard by all in the office at 10:20am this morning.
I go to push open the door to the bathroom only to find our HR manager who apparently likes to sing to herself in the mirror and doesn't lock doors standing... in front of the mirror. We exchange the usual looks and sounds of sup rise that everybody else does when you are caught in the act of an embarrassing habit....She leaves and as I go to close the door I close it on my head. Yes, my head in the door. Door shut on neck.Of course I yelped.That was the first thing. So finally I close the door successfully and as I turn to do what I went in thee to do I walk straight into the paper towel dispenser.Face first.Actually, nose first. this action is preformed synonymous with "Oh my gosh I am an idiot!"Then as I reach my hands up to grab my throbbing nose and say to myself shut up you idiot, I whack my elbow on the GIGANTIC DOOR HANDLE ( seriously..what is the need for the big door handles in bathrooms? Somewhere out there is a guy saying " I love what you've done with the bathroom...but can we get bigger Doorknobs? FYI-I hate that guy)
So now I got the elbow shock happening. I am holding the elbow(because we all know it makes it feel better)and pacing back and forth in the bathroom and groaning quietly.
Mind you all the walls in the office......paper thin.
In my pacing and pain I get a glance of myself in the mirror and realize I am a moron.I walk closer to the mirror to check out the nose. Not seeing the cellphone that belonged to the women in there before me sitting on the edge of the sink...yep, I knock in on the floor. This wasn't a sturdy strong cell phone either. This cell phone flew into a million bits.
" aw Crap!"
I bend down to pick up the pieces and in my mad attempt to do so I crack my chin on the edge of the bathroom sink.At this point I am questioning Gods true purpose for my life.
I growl a bit and then pick up the pieces of this women who sings to herself in the bathrooms cell phone and try desperately to put it back together....this took me awhile and I still don't know if I put the battery thing in right. I set the mangled cell phone on the edge of the sink." Good job Jess, you put it back together. You can fix anything!"I say to myself thinking how cool I am.

So all goes well until I get up to wash my hands.
Running water, soapy hands, singing Lady's cell phone....Put it all together.
SO I dry my hands and put the darn phone back together again.
Now something I didn't share in the beginning of this story is that the singing women and me are not on speaking terms as she does not think I am funny and was deeply offended by a joke I made a few weeks back, for her to know that I did anything to her phone would give her upper hand in our stand off.But I am slick. I place the phone right where she left it.

AS its almost 10:30am and time for our staff meeting...I proceed to the conference room.I sit down like I am not an idiot and I didn't just get slapped around in the bathroom and mostly likely break the singing Lady s cell phone.
Now, we have visitors.One of the visitors is a 6:4 German woman.She scares me.She comes in and says"Oh, I left my phone in the bathroom."
Panic.total Panic.Be cool Jess, be cool.
She comes in and sets the phone on the table. Then she tries to make call to her colleague who is not yet shown up for the meeting.
"Somzing is wrong wiz my phone" she says.
I wrinkle my eyebrows as if to say " I hate when that happens"
Then she opens the back to check the battery. yep I did put in backwards. I cannot fix anything.
"How did it get wet?"
At this point I had to excuse myself and use the restroom.I laughed and laughed and then had to pull it together.Gosh, if she only knew.