I get it now.

Hello all two of you who actually read my blog. It has been a while since my last post and I figure I owe it to my fans to update it!
Gosh so much has happened since then. This may be long post...

My whole life I have known God. He didn't always know me but I always knew him. I knew that in order to be truly saved I had to pick up my cross and follow him. I had to die to myself and this world if I truly wanted to live for him. In short I knew I had to be separate from this world.
Knowing and doing are two different things though. I get that now.
On Sunday I had the chance to listen to two very great Sermons. The first by "Pastor Joey Steelman" and the second by "Pastor Bill". Both spoke directly to my heart. Directly.

Joey spoke about being separate from this world and living in God's will. When anybody speaks about Gods will I get so frustrated and upset. It all seems so simple...do Gods will and all Will fall into place. Well what do you do when you don't know his will? I know he wills us to live in him and be separate and to be salt and light and the basics but what if you don't know his specific major will for your life? Well this is what I ask myself every time I hear somebody say "gods
will". People have told me that I just need to listen to Gods voice and then I will know. "What does his voice sound like?" I ask myself. I always expect it to be a crazy loud thunder clap or a still small voice...Someday I will find out. "But what about right now?"
Anyhow I went home very flustered at God and so tired of hearing about "gods will". By the time I reached my seat on Sunday Morning I had convinced myself that maybe God didn't have s specific will for me and that's why I cant hear him tell me what it is. Maybe his will is that I just live and be a good mom and volunteer and then die. "If that was the case then please God get me out of this stupid world so I can be with you!" I would say. Then I would think about bug and how she needs her mom and I would feel bad for saying that.

Then I went to church on Sunday night. Bill spoke about the thoughts I was having in the paragraph above and about some of the same stuff Joey did. Very good. He spoke about how sometimes people who are saved and believe in the Lord can still carry hurt and get angry. How even though we are saved and come to church we aren't really where God wants us to be. As I sat there listening I kept telling myself the same thing I was telling myself in the morning service" this doesn't apply to me. I don't have a major will for my life and I am already saved so don't cry and don't make another commitment to God. I'm not a major part of the body of Christ. don't feel anything Jess." I hate to cry. It makes me feel so embarrassed and weak. My whole life I have hated it. I am tougher than that.
Then in the last five minutes of Bill's sermon everything that was coming out of his mouth was in response to every thought I was having in that moment. It was weird. Then I thought back on what Joey said earlier that day about how we add so many chapters to our lives by not surrendering to the will of God.

I was sick of all the chapters I had added. I started to think about who I could be by now if I had only listened the first time. I could have been the missionary I wanted to be when I was twelve. I could have been a threat to the devil. I could have shared the gospel. I could love myself enough to try harder and do better. I could not hurt anymore. I could not push my anger down in the pit of my stomach and pretend to be happy anymore. I could stop being fake and putting on a fake smile when really all I want is hug or somebody to listen.
the next thing I knew I was running to the alter. I fell on knees and began to do the thing I hate so much. I cried. Not cried and sobbed with tears...I bawled. I had noises coming out of me that I couldn't control. I had never allowed myself to cry like that. I couldn't stop. I tired to stop but I couldn't stop. I had a steady stream of tears falling on my cheeks, not drops here and there but a steady flow of warm tears. I just let it all out. Then I heard Gods voice.
all this time I was waiting for an actual voice. TO me it was more like the need to do something though. Like an assurance. Like something I cant put into words very well.
When the crying finally subsided I began to speak to god in tongues. I completely let go and didn't try to explain things to God in my way I just let my guard down the Holy spirit began to speak. What an amazing thing the Holy Spirit is.

Finally, it was time for me to get up. I had been on the ground crying and grieving and getting it all out (in front of total strangers) and I just been split wide open in front of God. I was weak and vulnerable to him (willingly) for the first time in my life. Now it was time for me to stand up. Time to wipe my face clean and go home. I didn't want to leave right then, I could have stayed at that alter all night in God's presence.

As I tried to get up I realized both my legs had fallen terribly asleep. So I took my time. But in taking my time it turned out to be a good thing that my legs had fallen asleep. The Lord was lifting me up off the ground and I was coming off the floor a new creature. A totally new person. As I was getting ready to stand something inside me kept saying that it was time to live apart from the world. I realized that in that moment there I was completely separate from the world. I would be turning around and walking away from the alter and walking in to the world and this time I was separated form it. I knew that there were some people in my life that I had be separate from. Some scars I had to accept. Some adversity I had could only overcome in God's strength and power. I knew that I couldn't talk with certain people and that I couldn't be tolerant of certain things. I knew that I had to remain separate. For you guys maybe this seems like common Christian sense but to me it was the first time I realized that in order to be separate you have to sacrifice yourself. Really sacrifice your flesh. To actually be separate from the things of this world. that is the only way to truly live for God.

So, I walked away from the alter a Christian. A believer that had been separated from this world. I still am. Every other minute I am praying to God thanking him for his grace and mercy. Every minute I keep asking him for guidance. I keep telling him I want the path he prepared for me. I do this every other minute until I just walk the path he prepared and until I just am separate because I want to be separated from the world and not from God. I am reading the bible and praying in so much more. I realize that its not easy to be separate from the world. That it is a challenge each day. I have to pick up my cross each day.

All this time and I finally got it now. Let this be the first and final chapter of my life.
I still don't know the major will of God for my life but I know that if I draw close to him then he will draw close to me. I just need to seek him first and do the what I know is right and live my life according to the word. His Mercies are new every morning.