All I am asking

Okay, so people who know me well know that when I do things for other people its out of the goodness of my heart. I dont expect anything in return. I wouldnt do something if I didnt want too.
Check this out,
THe other day on my lunch break I was at the gas station filling her up. I saw two older women next to a van that had the hood up and they were filling her up with water. I pull up alongside the women and offer my services as I am experienced with adding water to a car....I help out and put $10.00 on pump #12 and even pumped the old ladies gas.(Bear in mind that at first thought of paying for their gas I didnt want too. I was all like, no way am I buying these old birds gas I am just as broke as the next guy. My sister knows just how broke I am.)ButI felt something inside of me that wouldnt let it go.SO after much self struggle I did this gas thing.
I realized that to trust God was to not have a back up plan.I am good to trust God as long as I have a back up plan.But in my finances I have never trusted the Lord.
Let me tell you.
Turns out these women were with a Church from Bakersfield and the one old lay was driving the other old lady to ST Jospehs for medical care. They just neede a little gas to get there because they were meeting up with some other members of a congregation in Lodi to stay for the duration of the treatment.
Then the same day when I got home there were two cards in my mailbox. From the "in Laws" I call them. My daughters dad's parents.(please dont make me explain)
I open the card adressed to my daughter and there is a $10.00 bill inside. I think to myself aww Thanks God.Awesome.
Then I open the card for me and ther is $100.00 inside.
That was the first time I ever really did something even though physically I shouldnt have because I am on a tight budget.I did it anyway.I figured That could be Jesus on the side of the road and the Bible does say that "when we help the least of these we are helping him"

Then today on the way to school with Jaden, she is eating her breakfast in the car as we do at least 3 days out of the week. We are halfway to school when she says " Thankyou moma for making my breakfast.Its really good.Thankyou." Word for word.
Thats all I wasnt man, a little thanks every now again. Not a production with fireworks and song just a simple thank you.And today I got it.

She's Ready for a dad maybe

Well we all know I am a single mom. I have always been a single mom so Jasen has never known her "dad" if you want to call him that.
She has never shown much interest in knowing about her dad either even though I always knew the day would come when she would ask valid questions and expect mom to have an answer.
That day came last night.At bed time.
Our nightly routine is as follows:
1. Supper
2. Bathtub and Jammers
3. Quality time with mom and Jaden until around 6:30pm
4. Then to the bed
5. Read some books and make up stories about Jaden and her cousin Joei going on crazy adventures.
6. Prayers
7. We talk about one real good thing that happened that day and usually end up talking about all sorts of things that only a three year old could have on her mind.

then its lights out hugs and kisses and to bed.
Well last night after all is said and done I hear her Little voice say " mom whats your daddy's name?"
After some delay in my thought process I answer..."uh his name is Jimmy." Then I regret my answer. I have always thought about the odd conversations to face but when the moment comes you just have to speak from the heart I guess.

So she said " where is he?" I said " he lives far away. I don't know him."
I explained that not all people are nice and sometimes people make bad choices and it gets them in lots of trouble or can change their path.(she is familiar with Paths as its a lesson she learned from a Land Before Time movie.)
She was with me on that one there, she said " oh, he made mistakes and made bad choices and now hes in trouble. He should listen to people he wont get into bad choices.He is sad now."

Anyhow enough drama. So, Jaden says " you are like me mom I don't have dad either its okay.We have Uncle and he can wrestle us and tickle us."
Then a pause and she snuggled me and said " But mom, I think I might be ready for a daddy maybe."
I said, "me too."
Then she prayed "God please bless my daddy and gives us a dady that can play with me and throw me in the air and chase those dinosaurs away. And we can have breakfast and watch kewlopolis"
Ofcousre I am all teary eyed and we say amen.

Just had to share the qualities Jaden looks for in a dad. I always find it a little funny when we talk about this stuff because I don't care who you are, you never remember the well spoken speech you practice before hand!

230 calories

Its me V.S the vending machine at work.
Pretzles pretzles I tell myself.
In the ecorner of my eye I see a flash of orange and blue....mmmm paydays look good.Sweet and Salty.Girls best friend.
No! Pretzles.
Money in slot. Cha ching Cha ching and down the shute.
mmmkaaaayyyy so pretzles I guess.
I press "B"
Without even flinching I press#6.
Clack!whats done is done.
Hand through the extemely hard to open door flap(why do they make vending machines such an impenitraple force?)
And I got a Hershy's.With ALmonds.It was delicious.
230 calories later....was it worth it?
no.

This has been confessions from a chocoholic.

To always know God.

SO every morning Jaden and I sing together to KLOVE. Then we say prayers ni the parking lot before she gets out of her car seat. Our morning routine.
Jaden always tells me to "Turn it up mom" and I do. Jaden sings along to all songs no matter if she knows them or not. She has her serious face on and her serious tone every time I check on her in my review. I love it.
So, this morning she was praising Jesus free style and it just blessed my heart.I always doubt my parenting skills at some point in the week...should I have done this or that am I a good mom, am I scaring her for life? And to hear her little voice sing her thanks to Jesus just makes me realize that in spite of any of my shortcomings as a parent;the one right thing I can be sure of is that I am providing a chance for her to have a relationship with the Lord. She knows who God is and how we are blessed. She knows she wants to be a blessing to others and that God made her special and that Jesus is in her heart. What a good foundation.

I think of all the kids out there in this world who don't get to grow up knowing the Lord. Gosh, growing up like that must be like taking a long trip to a new place but having no map. How do you measure success and failure.Right and wrong? Love and Hate? Truth and Deception? YO See what mean.

I was raised always knowing that Jesus was Gods son and he lived in Heaven. I knew God loved me and would forgive my sins. We didn't always go to church and my home life was far from perfect. But in my darkest most tormented and lost moments in my life I always heard a voice in the back of my soul telling me I could be forgiven. I always knew God loved me and that I could be more with him in my life. (made it hard to stay high)But never the less, I knew God was real. And when I was ready to clean my life up I knew where to go.
What about the tons of people who want to clean up their lives but just don't know where to go? They never knew God so how do they find him?

I sit here at work surrounded by cubicles full of people.I know that not a single one of the people in this office with me, working with me right now;they don't know God.
For the first time since I have worked here I am glad to be a doormat here. Glad to be pestered. Glad to be a laughing stock. Glad to be a witness.
They don't know God. They may very well get in a car wreck, get sick or take their lives and die never knowing Gods grace and forgiveness.
What do you do when you are overwhelmed with love and compassion for people that hate you? How do you witness to them without driving them away? I wish I could stand up right now and say some life changing thing that would melt every ones hearts and make them realize their need for God. I wish I could.
I guess I am just to be a witness. By my actions here. By the relationships I have here. To be available to answer any questions or offer any advice.

I just think, did any of them grow up knowing Jesus? Or are they traveling through this life with no direction, no map?

I just urge everybody to take notice of the people you are around. The people you see at the store or wherever. They need prayer, they need Jesus. They need to the chance to be saved. the least we can do is pray and give them a chance right?

I know its all a bit much, but I have never felt this way before. It just breaks my heart. I don't know what I should say or do here. How do I witness? Any thoughts?

How did I get here?

James Brown was right when he sang " This is a Maaaaan's world"
Mr.Brown thank you for stating the obvious but could you maybe release the re-mix track that explains the women behind these men?Serious.Gosh.

Unsaved men are so super gross to me.Seriously, like grossed out to the max. So gross. Like I think I just puked in my mouth and swallowed it gross.
Okay, that was a gross illustration I apologize. But you get the idea now right?

Anyhow, I was thinking last night after I forced myself to work out and not eat a piece chocolate....How the heck did I get here? How did I get to this point in life? I hate my job. Hate it.(venting rule applies here). I am so blesses to be employed bla bla bla I know.
I don't make a difference to anyone doing my job though;thus my hatred for the job.

then I realize that my only one constant passion has been writing. Since I was 12 years and I wrote my first short story I have loved writing. Poetry, short stories, maybe some day greeting cards........:)
Now, yes my spelling is dreadful and there is much to be said about the rest of my grammer. But last night I was thinking"self, why didn't you go to school? you could have been a writer?" I mean, have you picked up a magazine lately? Driiiiiibllllle. I should be writing dribble!

Anyhow. I am 27 so its probably not gonna happen now. Does anybody else ever look at their career and ask how they got there? Why they are there? Does anybody else ever feel like they should be doing so much more to better the lives our fellow man?

I have to be honest. Sometimes I have to pray and ask God to forgive my jealousy towards my big sis. She is part of something bigger than herself and bigger than just her abilities.

I want a job that is bigger than me and my abilities God. I want you to reach people through me. Even just one. Amen.

Made for T.V Moment

Okay...prepare to be glad you are not me but glad that you know me.

My whole life I have been the friend that people love because they do not endure the things I have;they simply stand on the sidelines and observe my life as a flip book that can be read at any given moment for their pleasure.I am cool with that, in fact I like it;I have a story for everything. I am a borderline "one upper"( a one upper is somebody that will listen to somebody else tell a story and when said story is finished, the one upper will begin her story with " dude this one time")
Used in a sentence:
(total exaggeration...I am a law abiding citizen)
Friend:" So I didn't get arrested and the cop let me off the hook with a warning"
One Upper: " Dude this one time, I was in a high speed chase and ran over a cow."

Now I am not that bad, but give me a few more years of being single and I will be me.

I digress though,

So here is the reason for my Blog today.Being the friend that has all things both awkward and bad happen to them I must invite you into my daily life.
Picture it: It's 10:20am and I am at work. I work for BMW by way of a third party Logistics Company. I enjoy coffee in the mornings as do most Americans. after having the two large cups of coffee this morning I had to use the restroom.( I wont get gross i promise)
So I turn down my smooth jazz radio radio station and quietly proceed to the restroom. Now the bathroom isn't to far from the offices so the goings on that take place in this story were most defiantly heard by all in the office at 10:20am this morning.
I go to push open the door to the bathroom only to find our HR manager who apparently likes to sing to herself in the mirror and doesn't lock doors standing... in front of the mirror. We exchange the usual looks and sounds of sup rise that everybody else does when you are caught in the act of an embarrassing habit....She leaves and as I go to close the door I close it on my head. Yes, my head in the door. Door shut on neck.Of course I yelped.That was the first thing. So finally I close the door successfully and as I turn to do what I went in thee to do I walk straight into the paper towel dispenser.Face first.Actually, nose first. this action is preformed synonymous with "Oh my gosh I am an idiot!"Then as I reach my hands up to grab my throbbing nose and say to myself shut up you idiot, I whack my elbow on the GIGANTIC DOOR HANDLE ( seriously..what is the need for the big door handles in bathrooms? Somewhere out there is a guy saying " I love what you've done with the bathroom...but can we get bigger Doorknobs? FYI-I hate that guy)
So now I got the elbow shock happening. I am holding the elbow(because we all know it makes it feel better)and pacing back and forth in the bathroom and groaning quietly.
Mind you all the walls in the office......paper thin.
In my pacing and pain I get a glance of myself in the mirror and realize I am a moron.I walk closer to the mirror to check out the nose. Not seeing the cellphone that belonged to the women in there before me sitting on the edge of the sink...yep, I knock in on the floor. This wasn't a sturdy strong cell phone either. This cell phone flew into a million bits.
" aw Crap!"
I bend down to pick up the pieces and in my mad attempt to do so I crack my chin on the edge of the bathroom sink.At this point I am questioning Gods true purpose for my life.
I growl a bit and then pick up the pieces of this women who sings to herself in the bathrooms cell phone and try desperately to put it back together....this took me awhile and I still don't know if I put the battery thing in right. I set the mangled cell phone on the edge of the sink." Good job Jess, you put it back together. You can fix anything!"I say to myself thinking how cool I am.

So all goes well until I get up to wash my hands.
Running water, soapy hands, singing Lady's cell phone....Put it all together.
SO I dry my hands and put the darn phone back together again.
Now something I didn't share in the beginning of this story is that the singing women and me are not on speaking terms as she does not think I am funny and was deeply offended by a joke I made a few weeks back, for her to know that I did anything to her phone would give her upper hand in our stand off.But I am slick. I place the phone right where she left it.

AS its almost 10:30am and time for our staff meeting...I proceed to the conference room.I sit down like I am not an idiot and I didn't just get slapped around in the bathroom and mostly likely break the singing Lady s cell phone.
Now, we have visitors.One of the visitors is a 6:4 German woman.She scares me.She comes in and says"Oh, I left my phone in the bathroom."
Panic.total Panic.Be cool Jess, be cool.
She comes in and sets the phone on the table. Then she tries to make call to her colleague who is not yet shown up for the meeting.
"Somzing is wrong wiz my phone" she says.
I wrinkle my eyebrows as if to say " I hate when that happens"
Then she opens the back to check the battery. yep I did put in backwards. I cannot fix anything.
"How did it get wet?"
At this point I had to excuse myself and use the restroom.I laughed and laughed and then had to pull it together.Gosh, if she only knew.