Made for T.V Moment

Okay...prepare to be glad you are not me but glad that you know me.

My whole life I have been the friend that people love because they do not endure the things I have;they simply stand on the sidelines and observe my life as a flip book that can be read at any given moment for their pleasure.I am cool with that, in fact I like it;I have a story for everything. I am a borderline "one upper"( a one upper is somebody that will listen to somebody else tell a story and when said story is finished, the one upper will begin her story with " dude this one time")
Used in a sentence:
(total exaggeration...I am a law abiding citizen)
Friend:" So I didn't get arrested and the cop let me off the hook with a warning"
One Upper: " Dude this one time, I was in a high speed chase and ran over a cow."

Now I am not that bad, but give me a few more years of being single and I will be me.

I digress though,

So here is the reason for my Blog today.Being the friend that has all things both awkward and bad happen to them I must invite you into my daily life.
Picture it: It's 10:20am and I am at work. I work for BMW by way of a third party Logistics Company. I enjoy coffee in the mornings as do most Americans. after having the two large cups of coffee this morning I had to use the restroom.( I wont get gross i promise)
So I turn down my smooth jazz radio radio station and quietly proceed to the restroom. Now the bathroom isn't to far from the offices so the goings on that take place in this story were most defiantly heard by all in the office at 10:20am this morning.
I go to push open the door to the bathroom only to find our HR manager who apparently likes to sing to herself in the mirror and doesn't lock doors standing... in front of the mirror. We exchange the usual looks and sounds of sup rise that everybody else does when you are caught in the act of an embarrassing habit....She leaves and as I go to close the door I close it on my head. Yes, my head in the door. Door shut on neck.Of course I yelped.That was the first thing. So finally I close the door successfully and as I turn to do what I went in thee to do I walk straight into the paper towel dispenser.Face first.Actually, nose first. this action is preformed synonymous with "Oh my gosh I am an idiot!"Then as I reach my hands up to grab my throbbing nose and say to myself shut up you idiot, I whack my elbow on the GIGANTIC DOOR HANDLE ( seriously..what is the need for the big door handles in bathrooms? Somewhere out there is a guy saying " I love what you've done with the bathroom...but can we get bigger Doorknobs? FYI-I hate that guy)
So now I got the elbow shock happening. I am holding the elbow(because we all know it makes it feel better)and pacing back and forth in the bathroom and groaning quietly.
Mind you all the walls in the office......paper thin.
In my pacing and pain I get a glance of myself in the mirror and realize I am a moron.I walk closer to the mirror to check out the nose. Not seeing the cellphone that belonged to the women in there before me sitting on the edge of the sink...yep, I knock in on the floor. This wasn't a sturdy strong cell phone either. This cell phone flew into a million bits.
" aw Crap!"
I bend down to pick up the pieces and in my mad attempt to do so I crack my chin on the edge of the bathroom sink.At this point I am questioning Gods true purpose for my life.
I growl a bit and then pick up the pieces of this women who sings to herself in the bathrooms cell phone and try desperately to put it back together....this took me awhile and I still don't know if I put the battery thing in right. I set the mangled cell phone on the edge of the sink." Good job Jess, you put it back together. You can fix anything!"I say to myself thinking how cool I am.

So all goes well until I get up to wash my hands.
Running water, soapy hands, singing Lady's cell phone....Put it all together.
SO I dry my hands and put the darn phone back together again.
Now something I didn't share in the beginning of this story is that the singing women and me are not on speaking terms as she does not think I am funny and was deeply offended by a joke I made a few weeks back, for her to know that I did anything to her phone would give her upper hand in our stand off.But I am slick. I place the phone right where she left it.

AS its almost 10:30am and time for our staff meeting...I proceed to the conference room.I sit down like I am not an idiot and I didn't just get slapped around in the bathroom and mostly likely break the singing Lady s cell phone.
Now, we have visitors.One of the visitors is a 6:4 German woman.She scares me.She comes in and says"Oh, I left my phone in the bathroom."
Panic.total Panic.Be cool Jess, be cool.
She comes in and sets the phone on the table. Then she tries to make call to her colleague who is not yet shown up for the meeting.
"Somzing is wrong wiz my phone" she says.
I wrinkle my eyebrows as if to say " I hate when that happens"
Then she opens the back to check the battery. yep I did put in backwards. I cannot fix anything.
"How did it get wet?"
At this point I had to excuse myself and use the restroom.I laughed and laughed and then had to pull it together.Gosh, if she only knew.